The preschooler does not want to go to kindergarten. Why does a child not want to go to kindergarten? What does a children's protest look like?

Every child goes through an adaptation period before kindergarten. It is expressed differently for everyone, but the main message is “Mom, don’t leave me here.” What to do with a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten? How to shorten the adaptation period? We talked with a child psychologist and fellow mothers to find out life hacks that will help get your child used to kindergarten.

At what age should you start going to kindergarten?

Child psychologist Ekaterina Ilyicheva advises sending a child to kindergarten before the age of 2.5 years or after 3.5. The fact is that a child experiences a crisis of three years, and it usually happens between 2.5 and 3.5 years. The crisis is accompanied by hysterics, stubbornness, and sudden changes in mood. Getting used to kindergarten is already a lot of stress for a child, so it is undesirable to combine these two difficult periods.

Educators advise taking your child to a short-day group for three to four hours, because subsequently the child gets used to being in the garden all day much easier and faster.

Game room

I'll start with a personal story. My daughter Elina went to a short-day group at 2.3 years old (they haven’t switched to full-day yet). I won’t say that there were big problems or hysterics, but as soon as we missed a few days, the tears returned. And every day she repeated the same phrase: “I don’t want to go to kindergarten.”

At the same time, I noticed that my daughter eagerly spends time in the playrooms, not paying attention to whether her mother is nearby. One day, after another break from going to the garden, I told her something like this: “The kindergarten is a playroom, there are a lot of toys there, let’s go there tomorrow to play.” I admit, I didn’t expect this myself, but my daughter liked the idea! Now she forbids calling the kindergarten a kindergarten 😉 Only a playroom!

Kindergartens often hold open days. Be sure to look at the room your child will be in.

Some parents tell their children that kindergarten is work, so the child must go there. Child psychologist Ekaterina Ilyicheva explains why this approach is not entirely correct.

Watch what you say about work: parents usually speak about it in a negative way. Of course, the child hears this. For him, work seems like a place where you don’t want to go, where it’s hard, where you come from completely exhausted. And imagine how he must feel when he is told that he now has to go to work! I would rather tell the child the truth: there are a lot of toys and children, some kids will cry and some will have fun, you will have to share toys, but there are a lot of them and they are all interesting!

Life hacks from a psychologist

Here are tips from Ekaterina on how to psychologically make the adaptation period easier for a child.

Give “a piece of mom.” This is some item from the mother so that the child is not so sad: for example, a handkerchief that smells of her perfume, or another thing that is safe for babies.
Introduce meeting and farewell rituals. This could be a general gesture or a magic phrase, a special handshake or hug. The main thing is to agree with your child that from now on you will meet and say goodbye this way. These things help children switch.
Leave a toy in the garden overnight. And in the morning, say: a bunny is waiting for us in the kindergarten, he’s probably sad without us, let’s go get him.

Colleague Natalya Bondar told me what advice the psychologist gave in kindergarten when she first brought her daughter Elizaveta (3 years old).

The psychologist said: it is imperative to present a visit to the kindergarten as an excellent event in the child’s life, to tell how interesting it is there. You can also “live” the situation in a playful way: let’s play how mom and baby go to kindergarten (let the child in this situation be in the role of a parent), how mom and dad go to work, and the child plays, reads, walks, has fun, and then dad and mom come for him. We were also advised to take our favorite toy with us. If possible, at first it is advisable to give your child a day off on Wednesday, this will make it easier to get used to it.

The teachers also asked us what the baby’s favorite activity was, and to get them interested, they drew, danced, sculpted, built with the children - whoever liked what.

From gifts to photography

MIF content manager Ekaterina Zenina has a daughter, Kristina (3 years old). They prepared for kindergarten in advance.

Advice to all parents: come for a walk with your child to the kindergarten you are going to attend, tell about him that there are toys and teachers there, show how the children walk there. The child must be prepared for going to kindergarten. You cannot come on the first day, drop off your child and then hope that he will love kindergarten and will happily go there every day. If possible, meet future teachers. Mentally prepare your child for the fact that he will soon be without his mother in kindergarten, that his mother will work at this time and will definitely come back for him.

On the first day, it is best to take your baby for a walk with a group. If this is not possible, then leave it for no more than 2 hours. On the second day, if everything went well, you can leave it for 3-4 hours and gradually increase the time you spend in kindergarten.

Ekaterina said that the “gifting” method also helped her, although it is ambiguous. After kindergarten, she and her daughter went to the store and did not buy anything there, but “won” a bouncy ball from the machine for 10 rubles. Of course, the mother was worried whether this would develop into a habit, so she explained to the child that this would not always be the case. “We will soon win all the jumping balls and there will be nothing left for the other kids, let’s leave the balls for others.” In their case, they managed not to turn it into an addiction and soon abandoned the “gifting”.

This is the mountain of jumping jacks that Katya and her daughter have accumulated.

Ekaterina shares other life hacks.

Act in accordance with the child's interests. For example, a child loves Santa Claus. Tell them that there will be a matinee in the kindergarten where Santa Claus will give gifts.
Give me the key to the house. And say something like this: “I’ll give you the key to the house and go to work, I won’t get home without the key. I’ll come pick you up from work and we’ll go home together.” This way the child will understand that you will definitely come back for him!
Put a photo of your mother in your dress or shirt pocket so that the child is not so bored.

Ekaterina with her daughter Christina. Photo from personal archive

Books play a significant role in preparing for going to kindergarten. Ekaterina used the following literature: Cornelia Spielman “When I’m Bored”, “I’m Going to Kindergarten” from the “Reading to Children” series, Karina Hovsepyan “I’m Going to Kindergarten. Problems of adaptation", as well as "Mouse in kindergarten". The latest book will not only prepare the child for change, but will also expand his vocabulary. Books on general psychology will also help - “Emotional Intelligence of a Child”, “An Optimist Child”, “Your Child Can Do Anything”.

The role of the educator

Our reader responded to the article, and we decided to include her opinion in this material 😉

“I believe that 90% of success in a child’s desire to attend kindergarten is the Personality of the Teacher! Yes! Both words are capitalized, since the Educator, just like the Doctor and the Teacher, are people from God! These are “superhumans” who are able to remain calm throughout the entire working day, they find a way out of any conflict or psychologically difficult situation, they see personality and many other qualities in the child. Moreover, you can’t predict exactly which teacher your child will go to.”

And now the moment has come when diapers, constant monitoring of the baby at home and on playgrounds, endless “handling” are a thing of the past - the child already knows a lot on his own, clearly explains what he wants, and in general it’s time for the mother to go to work, and the baby should go to kindergarten. In theory, this course of events usually does not raise any particular objections among children, although there are children who initially categorically disagree with attending kindergarten. In practice, everything is much more complicated, and there are many options for developing the situation.
At the initial stage, due to a sudden change in the situation, many children refuse to go to kindergarten. Usually, after a period of adaptation, this reluctance and the accompanying bad mood and tears disappear, and the baby goes to kindergarten, if not with pleasure, then at least without any incidents. And suddenly one day the child declares in one form or another that he will no longer go to kindergarten. A child's unexpected refusal to go to kindergarten often confuses parents. To understand how parents should act correctly in this situation, it is important to find out the cause of the “rebellion” and solve the problem yourself or with the help of a psychologist.

Possible reasons for reluctance to attend kindergarten

Psychological unpreparedness of the baby. All parents, to the best of their ability, try to prepare their child for the coming changes, but mothers and fathers should remember that psychologically the child is ready to attend kindergarten at the age of 3 years. Even at 2 years old, a baby can do many things on his own (has the necessary skills), but he is not psychologically ready to separate from his mother until he is 3 years old. An expressed desire to play with other children appears after 2.5 - 3 years, but even with the baby’s need for group games, separation from the mother must occur gradually, so it takes a fairly long period of time. Until the age of 3, a child needs close, emotionally rich communication with his mother, and a sudden disruption of this connection leads to psychological trauma for the little person. Children of this age do not yet have friendship in the understanding of adults; children’s relationships are situational; in most cases they play side by side, not together, and easily change play partners. The main communication for a baby occurs within the family circle, and at this stage of development the baby only occasionally needs to communicate with other people. Even if, for objective reasons, the mother is forced to send the baby to kindergarten before the age of 3, it is important to take into account that this is contrary to the will and needs of the child, so adaptation to kindergarten will take a long time, be problematic and not always successful. The baby may well lose the skills of independent behavior that he had before kindergarten and begin to constantly cling to his mother with a “death grip”. At the same time, it is important to remember that parents should focus not on age indicators, but on a specific person with his or her characteristics - if a child under 3 years of age had “enough” mother, and the child has no fear of suddenly losing her, by the end of the second year of life the child will gradually begin to separate psychologically from the mother and can be sent to kindergarten. However, all children develop differently, and for some this period begins earlier, and for others later.
Constantly present stress. A child torn out of his usual circle is immersed for the whole day in a noisy group with its own rules and requirements, which often contradict the child’s habits. A new environment, strange adults who demand obedience (unlike the mother, who do not adapt to the mood and desire), noise and inability to privacy, constant contact with other children (yes, nature did not provide for the baby’s constant interaction with children who are not members of the family) - all these factors can cause stress in the baby and reluctance to go to kindergarten.
Changing your daily routine, eating and sleeping during the day. Lack of sleep is a fairly common reason for reluctance to go to kindergarten. Morning dissatisfaction, hysteria and rebellion are not associated with the kindergarten as such, but with the reluctance to wake up, leave a warm bed and make an often tedious journey (not everyone is lucky enough to have a kindergarten near their home). In this case, the child who is scandalous and protesting in the morning will be quite happy with life by the time you return from work - you can find him playing with the children and not at all eager to go home. The protest may also be related to the food that the child is forced to eat in kindergarten. Children in preschool age are often very conservative when it comes to food - everyone has their favorite and least favorite dishes, but kids also prefer their mother’s cuisine, and if the cutlet is “not like mom’s,” they don’t want to eat it. But teachers usually don’t allow you to sort it out, and the child is forced to choke on his unloved semolina porridge. The protest may also be caused by the need to sleep during the day - after three years, many children no longer need daytime sleep, and at home they are no longer sent to bed. The kindergarten does not leave freedom of choice in this regard, and lying quietly for a long time and doing nothing is boring.
Lack of necessary self-care skills. A child who does not know how to dress himself or eat carefully often causes discontent from teachers and ridicule from more independent children. In addition, a child who is not sufficiently prepared for kindergarten often communicates his needs through whims, which also hinders the establishment of relationships with the team.
Problems with teachers. Although if a toddler does not want to go to kindergarten, parents often suspect the teacher of a negative and biased attitude towards the child, teachers can be quite restrained and friendly. The situation may be related to boredom - since there are usually many children in a group, teachers do not have the opportunity to work with children individually, and the activities conducted do not interest the child. This problem occurs in children who experience cognitive (cognitive) hunger and require constant activity. Sometimes in kindergartens, classes with children are monotonous and are carried out “for show,” turning into monotonous and uninteresting work for a child who wants to explore the world. There are also educators who are biased towards some children - the “disgraced” child is rarely praised, but they do not forget to scold for the slightest deviation from the rules and requirements, and the child himself is not always to blame for the current situation (the attitude towards the child may depend on the attitude towards you) .
Conflicts with children in the group. The initial cause of the conflict may be toys that are not shared or quarrels that arise during play - children at the age of three are not yet able to express their emotions and thoughts, so they try to solve the problem from a position of strength (take it away, break it) or by screaming and crying. Older children are already trying to find a common language with their peers and can express their thoughts clearly, but before the age of 6, a child is not able to fully comprehend even his own emotions, and as a result, he is dismissive of the emotions and desires of others. If educators and parents pay attention to correcting children’s behavior patterns, these conflicts quickly fade away and relationships between children normalize. In such cases, your heir’s refusal to go to kindergarten is a temporary phenomenon. However, there are situations when a child is teased systematically - the child may have some features of appearance or behavior, because of which almost the entire group can tease him. In such cases, the refusal to attend kindergarten is categorical, and protest manifests itself regularly.
Change of teacher or kindergarten itself. Since caregivers spend a significant part of the child’s life, the child may become attached to the “kind” teacher and protest against her leaving. Changing preschool institutions also has a negative impact on the child (if it is not caused by conflicts in the old kindergarten) - the child misses his familiar surroundings and environment, and he still has to establish relationships in the new group.
In the kindergarten you have chosen, the teachers are not prepared for the peculiarities of the baby. There are hyperactive and hypersensitive children, slow kids and children with other characteristics. When such children are in the same group, educators are forced to constantly organize the process of games, sleep and activities, taking into account the different needs of team members. This makes the teacher’s work much more difficult and affects the attitude towards the child, whose behavior deviates from the behavior of the majority.

In addition to these fairly common reasons for refusing to attend kindergarten, there are more rare reasons related to the characteristics of the child himself or the situation in the family. The reason may be related to specific events that are or will be held in the kindergarten. A child may refuse to go to kindergarten on the day of the rehearsal for the upcoming matinee because he was not given the role he wanted, or he is embarrassed to perform. The reason may be completely unexpected - I didn’t manage to fasten my beautiful shoes before a dance class, I didn’t manage to make an appliqué, or it didn’t turn out as beautiful as Masha’s - I won’t go on the day of the dance or certain classes.

Problems in the family can also affect the child’s desire to attend kindergarten - morning protests in the form of tears and screams can serve as a cover for the child’s deeper experiences arising from quarrels between parents, family loss, etc.

It is also important to take into account that a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten may depend on the internal mood of the parents - before the first visit to kindergarten, parents quite often discussed their concerns about the kindergarten and its impact on the child, or the parents themselves had negative memories of going to kindergarten. Parents subconsciously seem to tell the child: “kindergarten is a terrible place, but you need to go there.”

Naturally, the child does not want to go to a “terrible place” and resists in every possible way. The same unconscious reaction of protest arises if parents try to quickly send their child to kindergarten, because he is “already big and should”, “everyone went, they took me, you shouldn’t be capricious,” etc. Parental pressure disrupts the child’s emotional state, he experiences anxiety and the need to “hide” in a safe place - at home.

How can protest manifest itself?

At first glance, it seems that parents always immediately notice when a child does not want to go to kindergarten, but in practice the situation may look different. Problems are immediately noticeable only when the baby protests openly.

This protest can look different:

A child may communicate his reluctance to go to kindergarten in the morning in a calm manner, returning home from kindergarten with you or going to bed. This form of protest usually occurs if a conflict situation has arisen in the group, but it is not systematic. In this case, the problems that have arisen for the baby are worth discussing, but you should not focus too much on the situation - after a while the baby will not remember this trouble and his mood will change.
The child reports an unwillingness to go to kindergarten every day; the process of getting ready for kindergarten is accompanied by violent emotions (screaming, sobbing), and even hysterics are possible. In this case, the mother must react instantly - forcing the baby in such a situation is pointless, since the next day you will have to observe the same picture. If everything was fine before and the child calmly got ready in the morning, then there is some reason for this change in behavior, and if the reaction is too violent, the problems will not resolve on their own.

An open form of protest exhausts parents - mom or dad are sometimes late for work and often feel sadistic (often mom remembers how her beloved baby shed burning tears when parting, and dad also feels remorse because of the spanking that he had to give to the screaming and stubborn heir). But much worse are those cases when a child expresses protest in a hidden form. In such cases, parents are forced to guess about the baby’s reluctance to go to kindergarten, and before they understand this, some time will pass. Accordingly, helping a child solve his problems is much more difficult.

Hidden protest can be expressed:

In daily silent sabotage. The baby does not scream or cry in the morning, but constantly stalls for time using all available methods, and as a result, everyone everywhere is late or rushes headlong to kindergarten and work. The mother angrily tells the child that he is a “hobby”, but he gets ready for a walk or other places interesting to the child much faster.
Inventing excuses to skip kindergarten. Parents receive an offer to “leave him with grandma”, they hear about bad weather and that “you can’t go anywhere on such a day”, a mother may suddenly find out that she has a day off or that the baby has pain “arm-leg-stomach-head”.
In a bad mood in the morning. The child looks offended or depressed, and on the way to kindergarten he can barely crawl, but when his mother comes to pick him up, he is cheerful and skips home.
In bad “reviews” about the kindergarten. If a child draws a kindergarten, his drawing is painted mainly in dark shades (a lot of black), and role-playing games on the theme of the kindergarten are accompanied by an image of some kind of conflict.
Lack of appetite and sleep disturbances (some children may develop enuresis).

To solve the problem of visiting kindergarten in any form of protest, the reason that caused the child’s reaction must be established.

What parents should not do if their child does not want to go to kindergarten

All parents were children once, and many of them were taken to kindergarten. It is no secret that in our family life we, in one form or another, reproduce the model of behavior that we saw in childhood. This is why many parents make certain mistakes that do not solve the problem, but aggravate it (of course, these mistakes are made unconsciously, but problems can only be truly solved by eliminating their causes).

To help a child in a difficult situation, parents need:

Do not show your anxiety about the baby’s reluctance to go to kindergarten.
Never scare your child with kindergarten (“if you don’t obey, you’ll go to kindergarten”).
Never deceive him. If you promised to pick up your baby at a certain time, you need to make sure to keep your promise.
Do not give in to persuasion and various manipulations (if a child persuades you not to leave him alone in the group, feigns illness, etc., and you follow his lead, various manipulations in order to get what he wants will be the norm for him).
Do not criticize teachers, nannies and the kindergarten itself in front of the child.
Do not take radical actions (do not immediately quarrel with teachers, do not punish the child and do not immediately refuse kindergarten).

How to find out the reason for a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten

Even in a conversation with an adult, finding out the true reason for his behavior is not always easy, and in a situation with a small child it is even more difficult. Even if the baby protests violently, the reason for the protest remains unknown, and it is often difficult for a little person to answer a direct question.

In such a situation, parents should:

Ask your child how his day went and, if necessary, ask leading questions. It is important to clarify whether there were any quarrels with other children, whether teachers scolded him, etc. If the conflict occurred long before your arrival (and time passes much more slowly for children), the child does not always say something like “Misha offended me” when meeting you, but during the conversation this information will come up.
Ask the teacher about your baby and his behavior in kindergarten. Even if it seems to you that the reason is the teacher’s incorrect behavior, there is no need to immediately make complaints against him. In the process of calm and polite communication, it will be easier for you to understand the big picture and, with adequate communication, suggest how best to deal with your child in certain situations.
Discuss with other parents how their children behave in the morning. If your child in the group is not the only one going to kindergarten in tears, you need to find out the reasons for children’s protests together with teachers at a parent-teacher meeting.
Invite the child to draw a kindergarten (the child can be helped, but he must choose the colors for the drawing himself). If the drawing is in joyful, bright colors, the cause of morning scandals should be sought at home, with your family, or by adjusting your sleep and rest patterns. In the case when the drawing looks gloomy, offer the baby a role-playing game “in kindergarten” - during the game the baby will reproduce the situations that he observes in reality. Important: make sure that during the drawing process the baby has paints or pencils of all shades (children often paint monochromatic “canvases” of dark brown shades because the paints are dirty, they have run out of yellow or green, etc.).
Pay close attention to the results of the classes conducted in the kindergarten. If your little one can’t cope with tasks and feels inferior because of this, work with him additionally at home.

What do we have to do

The actions of parents depend on the specific situation and on the reason why the child does not want to go to kindergarten.

If reluctance to go to kindergarten arose during the first visits, the child needs to be helped to adapt. Of course, there are children who themselves want to go to kindergarten and adapt well there - even on the first day of visiting kindergarten, the mother leaves without any tears and takes an absolutely satisfied child from kindergarten. But in most cases, everything looks different - the child, completely satisfied with new impressions, is absolutely not ready for a long separation from his mother, and already on the second day of kindergarten the tears begin. In order for the child to more easily adapt to new conditions, it is recommended to bring the daily routine closer to the daily routine in kindergarten, encourage games with other kids during walks, and, if possible, arrange an excursion to your future kindergarten. On the first day, leave your child for only an hour or two, and gradually increase the time he spends in kindergarten. It is better to pick up the baby at the initial stage when he himself wants it.
In the case where the reason for refusing to go to kindergarten is food that is unusual for the child or the need to sleep during the day, you need to talk to the teacher. Not every mother at home forces her toddler to finish everything, and we can talk for a long time about the quality of food in the kindergarten (semolina porridge with lumps or too thick, the child is not used to gravy, he does not like casserole at all, etc.). But teachers don’t like it when children sit over their plate for hours or refuse to eat at all, and the poor child is forced to choke on an unloved dish or stay at the table until he finishes. Ask the teacher if it is possible not to pour the gravy for your child (replace jelly with tea, etc.), if it is possible to give him a sandwich instead of a casserole, and explain that there is nothing wrong with your child not finishing the soup, no. You are firmly convinced that the baby will not die of hunger and will eat as much as he wants, you just don’t need to force him if he refuses. With daytime sleep, the situation looks a little more complicated - in our kindergartens there are many children and few nannies and teachers, so teachers are not ready to separately deal with your awake child. If you can’t pick up your baby before bedtime, ask the teacher to allow your baby to quietly draw or look at books while lying down. At the same time, do not forget to explain to the baby that during the daytime sleep you need to be quiet, since other children are sleeping. As a last resort, simply ask not to demand that you close your eyes and sleep - this is also a compromise solution between the requirements of the teacher and the desires of the child.
If your child requires constant care, gradually develop self-care skills in a playful way. Of course, it is necessary to teach a child to be independent even before kindergarten, but not all children have equally well-developed fine motor skills. If the baby copes with a spoon and clasps, but he does this for a long time, work with him at home to develop fine motor skills (finger games, modeling, fiddling with small objects, etc. contribute to this). If self-care skills are insufficient, try to simplify your child’s life - choose practical and comfortable clothes without a bunch of fasteners and ties. It is better to choose models with buttons located on the front - they are easier for a child to handle than buttons. It is advisable to choose skirts and pants with elastic, and it is better to choose shoes with Velcro fasteners.
If a child refuses to go to kindergarten because of a specific teacher, the current situation needs to be clarified as much as possible. A teacher may treat children well and have a conflict with your child for some specific reason. In this case, it is important to establish a constructive dialogue with the teacher and try to solve the problem together (your aggressive or ingratiating behavior will only aggravate the conflict, so a polite exchange of opinions is important). In the case where the teacher is aggressive towards children, to solve the problem you should team up with other parents - a collective statement always has more weight than an individual one. Parents with a complaint should contact the kindergarten administration. If other parents have no complaints against the teacher, the teacher does not make contact with you, and you are sure that he really does not behave well towards your child, you will have to change the group or kindergarten.
Conflicts with peers are an inevitable “growing pain,” and the desire to protect the baby from insults and disappointments is a natural desire of a mother who forgets that her baby may also not be a victim, but an initiator of conflict. In children of the second or third year of life, both friendship and conflicts are situational in nature, and it is not worth directly interfering in a quarrel between children that happened without you. Instead, tell your child how to behave correctly in a variety of situations. Teach your child to exchange toys with other children during play, tell him what to do if another child behaves aggressively, etc. Older children can tease and call each other names for reasons (carelessness, unusual appearance, etc.) or for no reason (getting off on the wrong foot), and the teasers “stick” to children who react painfully to such behavior. The advice “don’t be offended” is not effective; in this case, rhyming “excuses”, known to us from childhood (“who calls you names, calls you that yourself,” “call them names, call them names, swell up like a frog,” etc.) will be more effective. At the same time, it is important to help the child feel successful - demonstrating some of the child’s abilities or achievements to peers often radically changes their attitude (here you will need the help of a teacher). If there are speech defects, take your child to a speech therapist. Don't forget to also pay attention to your child's self-care skills and appearance, thus eliminating the possibility of ridicule.

If your child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten because of a specific event, help your child prepare for it and feel confident.

If you don't get enough sleep, adjust your daily routine.

When should a child be left at home?

If a child has been going to kindergarten for a sufficient period of time, but he has not been able to adapt to it, visiting the kindergarten will have to be postponed for a while. Yes, the baby can be very independent and have all the necessary skills, but psychologically he is not ready for kindergarten (or rather, for parting with his mother for the whole day).

In addition, very sensitive and emotional children feel uncomfortable in a noisy children's group. Such kids need a friendly atmosphere and a calm environment.

A sensitive child must be gradually accustomed to children's groups by attending various developmental classes, clubs and playgrounds.

If the child is hysterical, it is necessary to show him to a psychologist or psychotherapist and temporarily leave him at home (you can return to kindergarten after solving the problem).

Sometimes, if possible, you can leave a child at home who is simply tired of going to kindergarten, but you should not do this regularly if you are still determined to attend kindergarten.

In any case, it is important to remember that the child is not just capricious, but is trying to adapt to a specific situation, and you can solve the problem only by carefully analyzing all the existing circumstances.

Some parents, clenching their will into a fist, forcibly drag their child out of the house, screaming “I don’t want to go to kindergarten!” Others, having given in to the onslaught of children's tears, turn back and begin to hastily think about where they can “place” the baby today. Both the first and second options are not the best solution, since you still have to go to the garden, but you don’t want to get up every morning crying and in a bad mood.

Loving mothers and fathers dream of seeing their children happy and calm, and for this they need to understand the causes of the problem. Often, concerned adults first of all blame the kindergarten workers, who, in their opinion, do not treat the pupils well enough. However, the reasons for a child’s protest may be completely different, so you should not immediately run with complaints and deal with the teacher or manager in a raised voice.

5 reasons for a child to refuse kindergarten

The child will have to go through a difficult period of adaptation to a new way of life, environment, and daily routine. If at home the baby can get up at any time, the mother and other close people are ready to give him their attention at any moment, then in kindergarten everything changes radically.

Children are faced with an unfamiliar room, strange aunts, strange children with whom they have to contact like it or not, as well as new rules and new food. The child is not given as much personal attention as he is accustomed to, and at the same time he does not see his family for many hours. Most children react painfully to this and do not want to go where they are uncomfortable.

In order to at least slightly prepare the little man for the upcoming changes, parents should begin to accustom him to a clear schedule in advance (organize getting up, eating and sleeping at the same time).

Reluctance to go to kindergarten may be due to difficulties communicating with other children. Each child is individual. If one quickly finds a common language with peers, then the other prefers to play alone or with one or two children who he likes, because of this, conflicts also arise.

conflicts. Some children sometimes choose one of their peers as a target for ridicule. The reason for this may be a non-standard appearance, an unusual manner of behavior, or even personal achievements.

In such a case, parents cannot control the situation - it is generally impossible to force other children to stop teasing. Here you need to work with YOUR child, teach him to defend himself and respond adequately to ridicule. The little man will have to prepare for the fact that in life he will not always have loving parents and pleasant, friendly people nearby.

Dislike for kindergarten may be explained by the fact that the child does not like a specific action, event, or rule. For example, a baby may not like food, the obligatory nap at lunch, the process of dressing/undressing for a walk, drawing, or the fact that next to him there is a crib of a boy with whom he is not friends. It is necessary to determine the source of irritation and make a decision based on this.
Sometimes the reason for hysterics lies not in the kindergarten, but in family problems. In families where adults are quarreling or about to divorce, children are deeply worried about what is happening. Protests against going to kindergarten are one of the manifestations of a child’s psycho-emotional stress.
And, of course, we cannot exclude the problem of an “unloved” teacher. Difficult relationships with teachers are “to blame” for hatred of kindergarten in about 30% of cases, and the source of the problem can be both the teacher and the child.

Of course, there are mentors that children want to escape from. Usually these are overly demanding educators with an authoritarian style who do not know how to approach a child and demand unquestioning obedience. It is not easy for little fidgets to follow all the rules in a new place, and an inept, unbalanced teacher is not able to find a compromise, as a result of which conflicts arise.

On the other hand, for the sake of objectivity, it should be noted that the child himself can create a problem (who other than the parents knows how difficult it is sometimes with him). It is especially difficult to work with hyperactive, aggressive and spoiled children who do not obey general requirements and sometimes deliberately provoke teachers.

In such cases, parents have two options - change kindergarten (if they cannot establish a relationship with the teacher) or contact a child psychologist if correction of the child’s behavior is required.

Separately, it should be mentioned that nervous behavior can be explained by age-related characteristics. So, according to psychologists, at the age of 2–2.5 years, children are not yet very interested in their peers, so they really miss their mother in the garden. After 3–4 years, the baby is ready to slowly “break away” from his mother’s skirt and make new acquaintances, so at this age, getting used to kindergarten usually goes faster and easier.

What does a children's protest look like?

Having dealt with the probable reasons for dislike for kindergarten, let’s pay attention to the children’s reaction. To change the situation for the better, parents need to know how to behave depending on the type of protest.

Most often, children express their dissatisfaction with words. Some quite calmly talk at home about what doesn’t suit them in kindergarten life, others throw tantrums without explaining a clear reason (“I don’t want!”, “I won’t go!”). In any case, parents need to talk to the child, after reassuring him.
Often, verbal complaints are accompanied by crying, and the baby may try to influence with tears intentionally, counting on parental pity. You shouldn’t give in to this feeling, because it won’t help your case in any way. As in the previous case, the child needs to be reassured and try to find out what exactly is bothering him.
It’s worse when children withdraw into themselves, especially since for some time parents may not be aware of the problem. Increased irritability and aggressiveness, poor sleep, enuresis, increased frequency of acute respiratory infections - all this can be associated with visiting a kindergarten. In such cases, parents are not always able to get an answer from the child about what is happening. Most likely, you will need the help of a psychologist.

5 arguments “FOR” kindergarten

When a child is hysterical and does not want to go to kindergarten, some parents think about whether they really need kindergarten. Let's stay longer on maternity leave, call our grandmother from the village, or push ourselves harder and hire a nanny...

Of course, the final decision depends on the individual characteristics of the family, but parents should consider the following important arguments in favor of education in kindergarten:

Social adaptation and communication with other children. Your child will not be able to live his whole life only next to you, where he is loved and cherished. Ahead lies school and adult life, where you need to be able to coexist next to other people, who are not always good. The kindergarten provides excellent initial training, during which the little man learns to solve his first problems.
Personal development, gaining knowledge and experience. It is rare that parents have a sufficient level of knowledge and skills in various areas. Therefore, the kindergarten has more opportunities for children to learn. There they receive their first knowledge about the world around them, engage in physical education, creativity, etc.
Development of independence. At home, children are constantly under parental care, while in kindergarten they are motivated to quickly learn everything themselves. They don’t want to lag behind their peers who know how to dress themselves, make their own crib, sculpt beautiful toys from plasticine, etc.
Hardening. Sitting at home, children are protected to a certain extent from the influence of the external environment. It is true that once many children enter kindergarten, they begin to get sick more often. But the problem lies not in the institution itself, but in reduced immunity. If a child sits at home, the immune defense is not trained, and subsequently he will get sick just as often at school, and kindergarten “hardening” (which primarily means preventive measures) helps strengthen the immune system.
Opportunities for parents. The child, of course, remains in first place, but this does not mean that adults need to give up on their plans, including career ones. While the child is under reliable supervision in the garden, mom and dad can safely do other important things.

In kindergarten, the child gains invaluable experience, so it is worth making efforts to overcome temporary difficulties.

6 tips for parents: what to do if your child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten

It happens that a child went to kindergarten absolutely calmly for the first time, but from the next day he began to throw tantrums. Perhaps you assumed that you would have to endure the complaints for a week or two, but now a month has passed, and the problem remains. Psychologists advise to be patient - the adaptation period can take up to 3-4 months.

But, of course, this does not mean that you just need to wait - parents need to act. Your task is to find and eliminate the cause of dissatisfaction. If you can’t do this on your own, you need to contact an experienced child psychologist. The specialist will be able to “talk” to the child or determine the source of the problem using tests.

The solution to the problem will be individual depending on the main problem, but in any case you should adhere to the following rules:

Provide the same daily routine (close to the kindergarten schedule) throughout the week, including weekends (you can make small “indulgences”). If the tantrums drag on, sometimes take a “vacation” - try to pick up the baby early for a while or take a “day off” from kindergarten during the week.
Be patient with whims during adaptation - most likely, this is how the baby reacts to increased psychological stress. Try to calm and distract your child with interesting activities.
Create a calm environment at home - the child should know that everything is fine at home, they love him, they are waiting for him and will always support him.
In front of your child, never speak badly about the kindergarten and its employees, try to form a good attitude towards the kindergarten.
Build relationships with teachers, take an interest in how the child behaves, how he communicates with other children, eats, sleeps, etc. A psychologist may recommend that parents spend a few hours in the garden with their child at first.
To make it easier for your baby to adapt, give him some small toy that will remind him of home and mom.

In some cases, to eliminate psychosomatic disorders such as insomnia, anxiety, irritability, the child may be prescribed sedatives, for example, Tenoten for Children. The doctor’s task is to select a drug that is well tolerated and has a minimum of contraindications.

The best age to start attending preschool is 2.5-3 years. Previously, the baby’s psyche was not ready to cope with stress and communication with strangers. Until the age of three, the connection with the mother is so strong that no teacher, even the most attentive, can replace her. But sometimes circumstances develop such that the baby has to be sent to a preschool institution.

In order to facilitate adaptation to the nursery, play with peers more often and learn to communicate with children. Prepare food at home that is as close as possible to the kindergarten menu. Knowing how to use a potty, hold a spoon, drink from a mug, and put on trousers and sandals will make life much easier for your baby.

When the time comes to send her offspring to preschool, every mother understands that this is an important stage in life. And it comes with many difficulties.

Causes

The wishes of the parents are not formed- they are scared for their child, they think that the baby is sick, is not physically developed enough, that peers and teachers will offend them. Unconsciously, they pass on nervousness to their baby; a healthy reaction is the desire to stay at home.
My own memories are negative. If the parents themselves were disgusted when visiting the kindergarten, they remember how hard it was for them there, the offspring absorbs from them that this place is bad. Why go where it's bad?
Fear of the future. It is difficult for a mother to let go of her child, it is difficult to change her usual life, where all her time was devoted to worries. Feeling the subconscious fears of his parents, he strives to maintain harmony in the family.
Great responsibility. If dad and mom attach great, often too much, importance to the development of a preschooler, expressing this with intolerance: “Natasha has already mastered the potty, but you haven’t.” By putting an unbearable burden on your baby, you contribute to the development of fears. And he chooses the safest place - home, because new challenges await him in the kindergarten, which he is afraid of not being able to cope with.

Poorly chosen wardrobe. The most important rule is convenience. Simple fasteners, soft natural fabric of clothing. Of course, it’s better when your child has self-care skills. If he dresses and puts on his own shoes, adaptation will be much easier. Intricate clothing can cause aggression from the teacher, because the child does not understand that the adult is angry not at him, but at small buttons. As a result, he does not want to make contact with the teacher.
A special child. For example, fear of touching may occur when a child is told that he or she will get seriously ill if he or she touches strangers. Some children may not tolerate loud noises well, and in kindergarten children are exposed to constant tactile contact and noise. The child may also have problems sleeping or be so active that adults do not have time to monitor him. In any case, know that your children are fine and do not need to be converted to kindergarten. You should create the most comfortable conditions for them; look for an institution that can provide them.

If you are going to kindergarten for the first time, you will probably encounter resistance from your child. A change in routine and social circle causes stress even in adults, let alone a three-year-old child.

Watch the episode of Dr. Komarovsky’s program, which is called “non-kindergarten child”. Perhaps after watching it will be easier for you to understand the reasons for your child’s reluctance to attend preschool?

What should you do to make adaptation easier?

Gradually accustom your child to kindergarten. First, come get acquainted, see the group and the locker. Play on the playground. Find out how he spent his day every day. Gradually, you both will get used to it, and the baby will tell you more and more in detail. What he did, what he ate, who he played with, etc. Reward him for good behavior, but don’t buy him trips to the garden. Otherwise, this will later serve as a reason for blackmail. “I’ll go if you buy something.”

Play out situations that arise in the group. Suggest how you can react to this or that action. This way it will be easier to adapt, and he will know what to do in a given situation. Let him take his favorite toy from home, let it remind him of home. On weekends, do not break the kindergarten routine. Teach to share and interact with children.

Try playing “kindergarten” with your baby before visiting the institution

The baby needs to get enough sleep. Organize his night's sleep so that he wakes up on his own in the morning. Give it as much time as possible in the evenings and on weekends. If you shift all responsibility to the institution, thinking that they are doing a good job there, he may feel abandoned and unloved.

If you see that anxiety has increased greatly, the child shudders and sleeps poorly at night, or all this is still accompanied by vomiting and diarrhea, you urgently need to find out the reason for this reaction.

What can't you do?

Don't threaten kindergarten for bad behavior. Moreover, don’t say that you won’t take him.
Don't leave your child last in the group. Waiting until the children have already gone home is accompanied by sad and negative emotions.
Don't be fooled into leaving for a minute. Calmly explain how the day will go, voice the main stages (breakfast, lunch, sleep). Assure them of your love and promise to pick them up, for example, after dinner. Of course, the promise must be kept. Support your child and sit down at his level during the conversation.
Be patient, do not scold for tears and refusal to eat.
Don't discuss especially in a negative way, disdainfully of teachers and the institution in general for children.
Don't drag out goodbye hug and walk away confidently. Do not run away while the child is distracted, he will see that you are not there and will be scared.
No pills. Sedatives - for adults, of course, unless prescribed by the attending physician. Tiny copes with the situation as best she can. Give it time, everything will return to normal when he gets used to it.

For some tips on how to get your child used to kindergarten, watch the video:

How to persuade someone to go to kindergarten

The child should know that kindergarten is a very important and responsible matter. Everyone has their own job, mom, dad and he have a garden.

Restrain yourself at the moment of parting, you cry - the child cries too. Show only positive emotions and joke. If your child calms down as soon as you leave, it may be better if he is taken by someone else with whom he has a less strong emotional connection (dad, grandma, brother or sister). Treat with care and enjoy the crafts, appliqués and drawings you brought. You can lure him into refusing to get up in the morning by saying that today there will be an interesting lesson with the teacher. They will do something beautiful for all mothers, but nothing for me.

Avoid long goodbyes to your child in the morning

Be proud and tell everyone in the presence of your preschooler that he goes to kindergarten. Talk about how important it is and how it helps you.

Talk more often about how good the kindergarten is and how there are a lot of interesting things there. Beautiful toys, attentive teacher, fascinating fairy tales. Be consistent, do not give in to tears and persuasion, even if it seems that he cannot get used to it. He must know that this is mandatory. Be firm, but without fanaticism.

Come up with something interesting. For example, on the way home, feed the pigeons or blow up balloons in a group - everyone will play and be happy. This way positive emotions will be reinforced.

Make a friend. Usually all the children in the group are from the same area. Meet your parents, play on the playground on your day off, invite them to visit. The kids will become friends, miss each other and are happy to see each other.

The kid doesn’t want to go to the garden because they hurt him there

He is telling this himself or you have noticed changes and “traces” of grievances, psychological and/or physical. If he went to kindergarten with pleasure for a long time, and then suddenly began to refuse, this is a reason to think about it. Discuss the situation with your child, find out in a playful way who is offending him. Don't show anger, calmly clarify everything.

Conflict with children: First, find out what is happening and why. Perhaps your baby is aggressive himself, and children are only defending themselves. Watch him when you walk in the yard or sandbox. Notice how he makes contact. This will help you find out the reasons for the discord.

For information on what should be done in a situation where a child is being bullied in a group, watch the video:

It often happens that one aggressor attacks several children. Take control of the situation; he can't handle it on his own. Talk to the teacher and ask them to take a more careful look at the situation. Talk to the culprit in a stern tone. Don't threaten, but convey what you shouldn't do. Get to know his parents, perhaps together you will be able to resolve the contradictions faster.

The next step is to contact the manager. If nothing changes, transfer the baby to another group.

Teach how to defend yourself. Of course, don’t teach them to fight back, otherwise the consequences will be even worse. Teach external calm, hold your head high, look into your eyes, and speak confidently. Figure out how to respond: “Don’t offend me,” “I don’t like it that way,” “Move away.”

Before taking any action, you need to understand the situation

If the problem is with the teacher

The following will help you understand that a child is being offended by a teacher:

Ask about the problem, but don't assert it. The question should be open-ended, for example: “When you play around, what does Anna Ivanovna do?”
Drawing. Sometimes it's easier to draw than to say. Ask them to draw a picture of the kindergarten, listen to an explanation of who does what. This will allow us to partially understand what is happening.
Games. Role-playing. Take the role of a teacher, and then offer it to your child. The way he treats you and toys is most likely to occur in a group environment.
Come up with a fairy tale together with your child. Let the heroes be real people from the kindergarten.
Assess the situation adequately. Look at it from all sides, children have a rich imagination. He may exaggerate or copy behavior from cartoons/movies.

See below for some advice from a child psychologist on what to do if your child is bullied in kindergarten:

Actions when you are sure that the teacher is guilty:

Conversation with the teacher. Without getting too personal, ask if this happened. Praise the teacher, show how much you respect him for his work. Resolve the conflict peacefully.
When your mentor doesn't hear you and your complaints continue, talk to the parents of other children. Find out if they have a similar problem.
Contact the manager also calmly ask to monitor what is happening.
If all else fails, contact the Department of Preschool Education. Unite with other parents and demand a replacement teacher.

Usually adaptation takes from one month to six months if the baby cries all day long and does not want to stay in kindergarten. Think about a private institution or a nanny, persuade your grandmother or yourself, at least for a while, give up work, because health and peace of mind are very important. After a while, try taking your baby to kindergarten again, maybe later everything will work out.

After a period of adaptation in kindergarten, the kids begin to miss their team on the weekends