This topic will probably be eternal. At first we scold and do not understand our parents, and when we become adults, our children do not understand us. Why does this happen, because no one wants to be a bad parent, and we all expect love and understanding between our dearest people.

The vast majority of parents criticize their children, impose their point of view on them, presenting it as the only correct one. Well, of course, because adults are used to being responsible for children; they have more experience and knowledge. But for some reason, children take the advice of their ancestors with hostility, sometimes quietly hating them all their lives, and swear to themselves that this will never happen to their children. But we unwittingly transfer these difficult relationships into our families. And we are not to blame for this, we just have formed a certain model of behavior, and there is no escape from it.

Types of Parents

1 Spineless losers. Unfortunately, this type of parent is very common. Parents who have achieved nothing are weak, insecure people; they simply cannot be an authority for their children. This does not mean that the child does not love them. But it is impossible to hide from his eyes that a weak-willed parent, despite all his worthlessness, is trying to command and show the way to his child. This is where protest and conflict arise. Often in such families, children begin to treat their parents with contempt, command and manipulate them, and sometimes even use physical force. It happens that such children grow up to be socially dangerous individuals or, on the contrary, they grow up to be strong and powerful people.

2 Autocratic parents. This type of parent is also very common. From a very early age, they do not allow the baby to take a step on his own. Screams and jerks are constantly heard. In the future, every step of the child is subject to control, comments, and prohibitions. All this is covered with words about love and care, an attempt to protect, preserve, prevent something. But what kind of concern can we talk about when every step, every independent action is criticized? The child is simply forced to obey, without the right to self-expression. Such children grow up to be downtrodden, squeezed people, or, on the contrary, aggressive and cruel, who try to take out their resentment on the whole world. Resentment towards such parents lasts a lifetime, and relationships in one’s family are most often carried over from childhood. Both parents and children are not very happy in such a family and in life in general.

And the most desirable relationships between parents and children arise if they are built on the basis of benevolent mentoring. Parents who are sincerely interested in all aspects of their children's lives. They don’t just provide everything they need, feed, wash and dress them, but they delve into all the nuances of children’s problems, starting from a very early age and throughout their lives.

These parents don’t just take their child to kindergarten or school, but communicate, give advice, approve and support in difficult situations, and participate in all the child’s affairs. But at the same time, they do not impose their opinion, but gently advise and help them make the right decision. For example, realizing the harm of children's champagne, they advise drinking regular soda on New Year's Day, and the child makes his own decision. Parents and mentors will never force their child to do what they themselves once dreamed of, forcing them to fulfill their unfulfilled hopes. They will only help the child discover his talents and find his own path of development, accepting and approving his choice.

It is worth always remembering the true goal of education - to raise happy and harmoniously developed people.

It is not for nothing that so much attention is paid to the relationship between children and parents. After all, the weather in our future families, in the team, in society depends on this. Many children suffer from bad relationships with their parents all their lives, continuing to conflict with them in the future, not communicating for years or only maintaining the appearance of submission, and secretly hating and despising their ancestors for their own failures. You can establish good friendships at any stage, the main thing is to sincerely want it, hear the other side and change, first of all, yourself.

Often the relationship between parents and children is not just tense, but very complex. It happens that children even run away from home due to conflicts in the family, and parents often experience negative emotions when they communicate with their grown-up children. In order to competently cope with such situations, you need to understand what we adults are doing wrong. You shouldn’t expect such an analysis from children, because adults are wiser and more experienced. Therefore, it is the parents who will have to resolve these conflicts.

First, we need to understand what type of parents we are. After all, understanding a problem is already 50% of its solution.

Often, parents’ responsibility for their children comes down to basic concern about whether the child is fed, has shoes on, is dressed, has gone to school, and that’s it. But this is clearly not enough.

There are parents who strive, first of all, to be friends with their children. This in itself is not bad. In this case, parents trust their children, strive not to impose their opinions, and maintain friendly relations by all means. Such parents are often interested in the affairs of young people, dress in youth fashion, and try to keep abreast of technical innovations, modern music and youth slang. They do not interfere with the children, allow them to go their own way, and leave them freedom in everything. The problem with such relationships is that children have enough friends without this, but wise leadership is often lacking.

Still, parents should not be only friends; their task is much broader. You need to learn, not just approve of everything that children do, but also have enough authority to quietly and unobtrusively guide children along the right path.

Sometimes problems between parents and children arise due to the increased sense of responsibility of the older generation. Such parents are subconsciously most afraid of society's assessment. It seems to them that any actions of their child may cause criticism; someone may condemn them for the fact that their children are poorly brought up. In this case, shouts, jerks, reprimands, and long lectures are constantly heard. There is no longer love for the child himself, but only admiration for his educational measures. In such a family there are no caresses and kisses, the child is practically never praised for anything, but is only reprimanded for all his misdeeds. But at the same time, parents forget that they are depriving themselves and their family of something very important. They are deprived of love and lose those bright, joyful moments that children can give.

So that your child does not take your request with hostility, listens to you and does not contradict you, you need to know only four ways to motivate cooperation.

The first one is request followed by gratitude. If, for example, a mother is preparing to welcome guests and she needs the child’s help, a good motivation for the baby will be the mother’s willingness to do something together. That is, the child should not just do some unnecessary task, but see that he is making a contribution to the common cause. For example, you can say: “Let you take out the trash, and I’ll prepare a pie for the guests,” or “Let me cook dinner, while you clean the room.” If the child refuses, you should not immediately swear or force him. Ask him to do something he does willingly and without your words. After completing the request, be sure to praise the child. Express your emotions, explain how you feel: “I’m very pleased, I’m delighted, I’m glad and I really like it!” The child will understand that he brought joy to his mother, and will strive to do this more often in the future. Do not skimp on words of gratitude.

The next method is listen to the child. If a child stubbornly refuses to cooperate, refuses any request, resists and protests, listen to him. Ask what happened and why he behaves this way. Maybe behind this lies the pain of resentment or worry. The child needs his parents to be on the same wave of emotions with him; he wants to see that they are able to empathize with him and are ready to share his feelings. By listening and understanding his experiences, you will instantly motivate him to be grateful; he will want to please you by agreeing to help.

Promise of reward. It happens that a child cannot fully understand his own mood; he is capricious and is not in the mood to fulfill any requests. In response to questions about the cause of his condition, he cannot give a clear answer. And here, the promise of a prize for your efforts will be an excellent motivation for cooperation. However, it is worth noting that this method should not be the only and permanent one. A child has a built-in tendency to please his parents, but sometimes it just needs to be reawakened. Again, after perfect help, not only give the child a well-deserved reward, but also explain that you would like to see him as such an assistant, because it gives you pleasure, you become happier. This will be his greatest reward.

And the last method, if none of the above works, is order. But the order should not sound like an aggressive demand. An order is a short statement that does not contain any explanation as to why this needs to be done. The order should not carry an emotional load; it should show the child that your word is not subject to discussion.

Good afternoon I have a problem - my adult daughter refused to communicate with me. Briefly about the situation: The atmosphere in the family was always tense, her husband asked - everyone always owed him, both me and my daughter. He openly bullied his daughter - she was fat, incompetent, etc., but he gave her money for tours at school and after. I defended her in every possible way and tried to take the “blow” on myself. The institute chose itself. The thought of divorce came to my mind constantly, but I just couldn’t make up my mind... When I really started bothering my daughter, I almost decided to, but my daughter didn’t support me (she was still in the last grade, because I said that she would have to help me and would have to forget about travel - there will be no money. My daughter graduated from college. I did everything to protect her from her father - they bought her an apartment, her father got her a job. And here I decided to divorce.. At first the relationship with my daughter was normal - we talked about it. everything, mainly about her problems, affairs and why nothing goes wrong for her - neither in friendship with girls nor with boys... She perceived my advice as lectures, did not take anything in this direction... 3 years passed and I I realized that she only needed someone to complain to and as a wallet - she absolutely didn’t have enough money of her own. I met a man and we began to spend a lot of time together. My daughter got to know him, at first she liked him, but then not. because I began to make comments to her - like my mother needs help... My daughter began to get offended... And then the time for vacation came - my husband and I decided to go to my parents (they already know him). My daughter found out about this - I didn’t hide it and said that she also wanted to go with us, I told her that I wanted to go together. She was offended, word for word... and poured out a bunch of everything on me: that I don’t love her, I don’t understand, and I don’t want to understand, etc., and if that’s the case, she doesn’t want to communicate with me. I tried to talk to her, but it didn’t work. He takes everything with hostility and reacts sharply to everything. She said that I exchanged her for a man.... I am very hurt and offended. What to do in this situation? Daughter is 25 years old.

Hello Tatiana! Initially, the daughter grew up in an unhealthy relationship - she saw that her mother could not protect herself and respect herself, that she allowed herself to take all the blows on herself, but she learned that her mother was needed precisely for this - so that she would be hurt; and a man is needed to give money and provide. After the divorce, write yourself that you helped her in every way, but she NEVER had the mood to help and hear you, since she DIDN’T see YOU trying to help yourself! Now it turns out that you are faced with the consequences of the influence of the system that was in your family - you see that when you yourself did not notice yourself, lived with your husbands, endured, took the blows - fortunately you did not do this for your daughter, she was used to simply treating things the SAME You and that the material side is more important to her than the human side. While she remained immature and infantile. And now you need to think not about your daughter, but show her that YOU CAN treat yourself differently - you can respect yourself, love yourself and DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE ELSE to wipe their feet on you and endure pain. Your daughter has grown up, let her learn to be independent, stop sponsoring her, otherwise she will remain childish. She was used to her mother putting her interests above her own, but now she was faced with the fact that her mother was finally able to put hers above hers - after all, she has already grown up and is an adult and can provide for her own interests herself! This is her childish and infantile reaction, the main thing is NOT to be led by her, but to allow yourself to breathe and live YOUR life, and let your daughter live hers!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Hello Tatiana!

Well done, you have decided and are taking action! Change your life for the better. Yes, for the daughter this is a new experience, until now she has mostly “consumed”, and now she has to come to terms with the thought - she is not the only one of her mother’s stars, her mother is also worthy of making HER own efforts. Her reaction is quite infantile and predictable, but forgive her for this - this is the first time in 25 years that a girl has had such an experience, and still does not know how to react adequately. You know, at one time my daughter was terribly indignant that I had the right to determine for myself what time I should go to bed. Not with her, just outrageous! At 25, it’s time to make your own decisions and pay for your trips yourself. Set an example for her - with your actions, and not with money in an open wallet. Happiness and patience to you!

Yudina Elena Vladimirovna, psychologist Noginsk

Parents of teenagers often complain about their disobedience. Even the elementary demands of parents and rules of behavior are perceived with hostility by teenagers and are not fulfilled. How to raise teenagers? How to deal with their rebellion? What are its reasons? Perhaps the child is not a malicious rebel?

Rebel - who is it?

A rebel is a person who disagrees with something, protests and actively expresses his position. These actions require courage, they are often dangerous and are not supported by the powers that be, because... aimed at undermining existing foundations and generally recognized authorities.

Why does a teenager reject all the values ​​of his parents?

Adolescence is characterized by a desire for independence, which manifests itself as an impulse to free oneself from parental supervision. The beginning of awareness of their feelings is associated with their desire for independent thinking and actions.

If previously a child believed everything that was told to him, his parents were role models and undeniable authority for him, then this is not typical for a teenager. He has his own idea about everything: about the world, people, justice, beauty and so on. Teenagers categorically criticize and overestimate all values. This position is often called youthful maximalism.

The main conflict situations between children and parents unfold due to the parties’ diametrically opposed understanding of the autonomy that adolescents insist on. Children see in her only freedom from the influence of adults, rebelling against parental values. This includes freedom to choose your own life style, namely: a code of conduct, choice of friends, clothes, and so on. They do not recognize the other side of this concept - responsibility. Such a one-sided understanding of values ​​often gives rise to disputes and conflicts. After all, freedom without responsibility turns into anarchy.
System of values adolescents are often built on the basis of:

• the destruction of what was built on the basis of the experience of previous generations, he, rejecting what was offered to him ready-made, strives to create his own;
• the main value is freedom, he strives to do whatever he wants;
• knowledge of the world in general experimentation with the objects around it, relationships and even oneself;
• commitment to a non-standard ideology, worship of a strong personality, idol, rebel;
• choosing from all the skills of relating to the world the most accessible and, from his point of view, worthy.

What is the reason for rebellion?

Why does a teenager develop rebellious desires? This question worries many parents of teenagers. They are concerned with another question: “Why are their children in no hurry to share their feelings with their parents, but seek the company of young rebels similar to them to do this?”

Parents should be understanding of the child’s natural desire to be in the company of teenagers with similar problems and feelings. Basic reasons for rebellion, are as follows:

• If there are strict restrictions in the family where the child cannot prove himself or express himself. He is surrounded by a palisade of rules, the violation of which entails even more severe restrictions. It's like trying to spread cold butter on soft bread, when increasing the effort leads to an even worse result - the bread only crumbles more.
• When intimidation is the main method of education in the family. But even if you change the tactics of harsh punishment to another, more flexible one, you may not achieve any benefit if you do not remove restrictions on freedom and do not soften the system of control over the teenager.
• Rules of conduct that are not clearly defined by parents often lead to the fact that even though the child is not a malicious offender and does not strive to become one, the child experiments with these rules. He tries to empirically test how far violations can be taken. If one time he manages to go unpunished even for a significant offense, then the next time he will try to go further, thus testing the limits of permissiveness.
• A hostile home environment where one parent is either a drug addict, an alcoholic, or is abusive to the other parent.
• If parents do not care about the child, they are not interested in how he lives.
• Lack of attention from adults and peers.
• Depravity in education, when there are completely no boundaries of what is permitted, which gives rise to selfishness and egocentrism in a teenager.
• Discrepancy in the words and actions of parents , when they demand from a child something in which they themselves are not an example for him.
• The physiological characteristics of this age are increased production of hormones and the inability to control their pressure. Peak hormonal levels often cause disruptions in the body and lead to neuroses.

How to help a rebel in the family. The role of parents in raising a teenager

During adolescence, children experience emotional turmoil and drama. During this period, the child needs love more than ever. But parental love must be more mature than before. Here some tips on this occasion:

• For a teenager at this time friendship is very important. Therefore, parents need maximum effort to become their child’s best friends. Respecting him and his opinion, you should limit yourself to advice, and not categorical instructions.
• Showing your child unconditional love, we need a wise choice of the type of help he needs, so that he is not completely dependent on his parents, only taking, but not giving. It is important to teach him to do everything in his power. The ability to cook simple food, iron one’s clothes, and other self-care skills is a necessary element in preparing a teenager for adulthood and starting his own family.
• Do not put pressure on a teenager and increase the number of prohibitions. This will make them want to do everything to spite their parents. You should express your dissatisfaction with the child’s behavior not in the form of a scandal, but by analyzing each excess, while identifying all the pros and cons of the situation without sermons and lectures. The purpose of this discussion should be the child’s independent conclusions about the subject of the conversation. But the above does not mean that permissiveness should be welcomed, otherwise the child will grow up to be a tyrant and an egoist.
• Earn the child's trust-a teenager is difficult, but losing him is very easy. Therefore, it is worth taking his experiences and problems seriously. Parents should remember themselves at this age and understand what is really important for their children now to have the right to help in their problems.
• Don't dramatize the strangeness of a teenager's attempts at self-expression. This is his search for his own path, the struggle for independence, his formation as a person.

• You can't force a teenager to do something he doesn't like.. Nothing good will come of this, and the trust of your son or daughter can be completely lost. Trying to interest a child in something useful, from a parent’s point of view, is certainly worthwhile. But nothing more. This especially applies to choosing a future profession!
• Involvement in the interests and hobbies of the child(youth musical groups, sports, etc.), sometimes even without separating them, is an example of respect for a teenager’s opinion and often the closest path to mutual respect.

Responsibility is the hallmark of a mature person. Therefore, parents need determine the range of permanent responsibilities of the child in the family and monitor their strict implementation. As the teenager grows up, it is worth expanding and complicating these tasks. For example, an eleven-year-old child can walk the dog, water flowers, and a fourteen-year-old child can keep the apartment in order. Great patience is required from parents who give their children the opportunity to make mistakes and learn to correct them, without interfering in this process with intrusive advice and lectures. But this is also necessary as an element of instilling responsibility in them.

The best way to control a teenager is by spending free time with him. Coming up with interesting family activities where the child feels like a single team with his parents, be it hikes, excursions, games, etc., is a good way to bond with the child and an alternative to “bad company.”

If all the efforts made to curb rebellion do not help, and there are other children in the family for whom the example of such an ardent rebel teenager could be harmful, then you should seek help from a specialist psychologist or another (depending on the situation). Sometimes it is even desirable to temporarily protect an inveterate rebel from other children. This is especially true in cases of extreme manifestations of protest (drug addiction, alcoholism, severe neurotic conditions, etc.).

Raising a difficult teenager is not an easy task, where you have to put in a lot of effort to gain the child's trust.
The unconditional love and wisdom of parents can help their growing up difficult child, who is painfully searching for his way in life, trying on different roles:
overcome misunderstanding and loneliness;
become more confident in your abilities;
through parental trust, grow into a worthy and independent person;
through encouraging efforts to achieve success in life;
ultimately - to be happy.

1. The fight for attention. Disobedience is also an opportunity to attract attention. Attention to a child is necessary for his emotional well-being.

He fights for your attention, which he needs for normal development.

This happens if parents are busy with their own affairs. The child notices that when he plays quietly and studies well, people simply stop being interested in him. But as soon as he starts having problems, he breaks the rules and prohibitions, does not fulfill the requirements, his parents continually look up from their studies, make comments, and shout at him.

Therefore, if your child is doing well and brings excellent grades, do not forget to praise him and support him. Tell him how proud you are of him. Reward for good, then you won’t have to punish for bad.

2. The struggle for self-affirmation. The child declares war on the endless instructions, comments and fears of adults. The opportunity to have your own opinion, make your own decisions, gain your own experience, even if it’s wrong. He struggles to assert himself because he is oppressed by your extreme power and guardianship.

After all, even kids constantly say: “I myself.” In adolescence, when a child can already do a lot on his own, the struggle for self-affirmation intensifies. A teenager perceives excessive guardianship as a humiliation of his dignity and an encroachment on his independence. He takes the concerns, comments and instructions expressed by his parents with hostility, even if the parents are right. The child is stubborn, self-willed, and wants to show that he is also an individual.

And here it is very important to find the right approach. Do not bother with too frequent advice and comments, give harsh orders or sharply criticize.

3. Desire for revenge. A child can take revenge:

• For comparisons not in his favor with older or younger brothers and sisters.
• For humiliating each other by family members.
• For divorce and the arrival of a new family member.
• For injustice and broken promises.
• For showing the love of adults to each other.

A child may also have a desire for revenge because of an unfair punishment, a harsh remark, or an unfulfilled promise. Internal experiences, resentment, which the child cannot always express, provoke him to violate discipline, bad behavior, and poor academic performance.

4. Lack of faith in your own success. The reasons for not believing in one’s own success may be educational failures, relationships in the classroom and with the teacher, and low self-esteem. After all, failures, which are accompanied by constant criticism from adults and children, gradually convince the child that he is a failure. In this case, he doesn't care. Bad means bad. In this case, the effect of mixed disadvantage very often appears. The child starts having troubles at school, he fails in several subjects, and it all results in defiant behavior at home. Problems in the family lead to failure at school.

In this case, it is very important for parents to know the true reason why their child’s faith in success has wavered.

Wise parents always perceive their child’s disobedience as an SOS signal!, a cry from the child’s soul for help. And in order to really provide help, they look for the underlying cause of bad behavior. The actions of parents who really want to help their children will depend on it.

In some cases, remain silent or listen to the child, and in some cases, punish for the offense. After all, the child also suffers because his parents do not pay attention to his mistakes.

Psychologists advise parents who want to understand the true reason for their children's bad behavior to listen to their own feelings. They will help you find out the root cause of your child’s bad behavior.