“I got married without love. My husband persuaded me, he put pressure on me to feel responsibility and guilt, but I was so right... Like, I twisted the guy’s head, and now I don’t want to get married. I regretted doing that. We lived for 11 years. My husband, I think, felt all the time that I didn’t love him deeply, he suffered from this, tried to run after his aunts, in short, there was a lot of things. Of course, over the years of living together we became family to each other, and I fell in love with him, but as a relative. Divorced. My husband hoped for another 3 years that I would return. But...there’s no point in returning everything.”

“Now I can honestly say that I didn’t leave out of love, but out of gratitude to him.
Then, with his crazy love, he practically pulled me out of oncology. I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer when we knew each other. During the period of remission we got married, then there was a relapse and again he pulled me out. I saw and understood that he was ready to move mountains for me. I can say with confidence that there was no mad love for him, there was something else, including calculation.

He is talented, he has a lot of advantages, but, unfortunately, time goes by and the further you go, the more difficult it is to live with someone you don’t love. I believed and was 1000% confident in him, and then BANG! like a bolt from the blue - he had a hobby and it seemed like more than one. Then good people began to say that he had a child on his side. Only he is not needed there as a dad. But chemotherapy and radiation seem to have caused complications for my reproductive function and it’s not working with children.

Then it looks like another hobby, I’m on pills that dampen the emotional background, otherwise I would go crazy. Because I don’t accept a family with cheating.

As a result, after 13 years of marriage, he honestly admitted that that love was no longer there, that passion and that attraction were no longer there either. And most likely it was because of this that he was looking for this in a relationship on the side.

Now from the outside everything is fine. Together, we weighed everything together and talked through everything and bought an apartment for me because... If we couldn’t unwind our ball, I could leave. I am incredibly grateful to him for this behavior. This is very dignified and very masculine.
I have no regrets. Thanks to him, there were many wonderful, wonderful, kind and very good things in my life in general.

If I part with him, I will lose a lot in my level of income, but I don’t care so much that such a development option doesn’t frighten me at all. But now I clearly and clearly understand, realize and can admit to myself that I don’t love him. We gave each other everything we could give – we must move on.”

“I got married because I really had nowhere to live. From the age of 15, my adoptive parents drove me out into the streets in all seriousness, plus both parents drank heavily. It's scary to remember that life. At first I tried to be a good wife. But a husband until a certain age was also not a gift. I didn’t drink, but I didn’t earn any money at all. What did you eat? For debts. Then I began to faint. He said, there are no children, there is no need to feed my wife. The child appeared 4 years later, but there was no money. He doesn’t have a VO, it’s very difficult to get a job somewhere. The scandal forced me to get a job through friends. Before the birth of the child, I tried to leave and get a divorce. And where to? The adoptive parents did not allow us to enter the door.

After 2 years of childhood, I got a job, filed for divorce, and fell in love with a work colleague. But great love sent me... far away in general. Then I tried to look for a new man, but mostly I came across married men with specific goals. The ex-husband, realizing what a treasure he had lost, changed, ran around, pleased for about 5 years, spat, put a stamp back in the passport. I thought his changes would have an impact, everything would get better. He began to bring in a salary, but I also grew professionally. There are many things that make him angry, especially that he has no education. Which is very conflicting. Even after the marriage was restored, we didn’t sleep together, we live in different corners, we hardly see each other. She offered to get him a mistress, because he has no personal life. He refuses, but he kind of loves.

It’s good, at least I have a favorite job, a child, hobbies, so my impersonal life is quite full of other things. But sometimes it comes, and you want to press against a strong shoulder, just once. Sometimes, when it’s hard, I tell myself, there are women, they seem to have a beloved husband, but still there are a million problems and experiences, then mistresses, then mothers-in-law, then children from previous marriages. But I have nothing to suffer emotionally for, it’s easier this way.”

“That’s how I got married. Before my husband, I had a very serious relationship with another man who simply broke me and trampled me. My whole body really ached from grief. After 2 years of such existence, I meet a young man completely by accident. Out of boredom, I went on a couple of dates with him. Lord, how unprepossessing and reserved he was! After a very short period of time, I realized that in front of me was a person of rare character. When he took me by the hand, I felt exceptional warmth and comfort. This is how my dad held my hand as a child. After 6 weeks he proposed to me and I accepted. I felt affection for him, but nothing more. There was no love. Got married. Of course, the first year of adjustment was a nightmare for me, but we liked being together and we always talked a lot. He calmly listened to everything that was on my soul, without criticism or interruption. This was very important to me at that time. I was able to graduate from university calmly, he provided everything for me. All the money and attention always went to the family. And suddenly, after the birth of the child, I realized that I loved my husband. By that time, I had recovered from my misfortune and was able to make room in my heart for my husband. We have been married for 15 years, have two children, and have been through a lot together. For him, my interests and the interests of our family always come first. He is the only person to whom I can trust absolutely everything, all my thoughts. On reconnaissance with your eyes closed, as they say. That's the story."

Even more stories

We were all brought up on good fairy tales. Tell me, can you remember at least one heroine who would connect her life with an unloved person? So we at the editorial office almost broke our heads - but we couldn’t find one. Why did we turn to folklore? Yes, because it was there, in our rose-colored childhood, that a stereotype arose that marriage should

To be concluded only for love. And we are not talking about sympathy, but about high passions!

A little later, already in the time of girlhood, dreams of walks under the moon, armfuls of flowers and eternal bliss were firmly added to our ideas about family happiness. Agree, how much melancholy there is in this folk wisdom: “if you endure it, you will fall in love”! No, if you put on a luxurious dress and hear the solemn march of Mendelssohn, then only on the arm of your one and only beloved!

“Modern people often call anything love: passion, sex, friendship,” says psychologist Oksana Korolovich. “And then they are surprised that the marriage broke up.” A strong union is a relationship based on interest and trust in each other. And before you go to the registry office, ask yourself: are you interested in this person? Are you ready to take his last name and continue his family line? If there is no interest in a man as an individual, in a few years the spouses will turn into neighbors who simply share the same territory. And such an alliance is unlikely to be successful.”

What happens? On the one hand, getting married without love is sad. On the other hand, love lives for three years, as the French novelist Frederic Beigbeder noted, and scientists have confirmed this thesis. Those couples whose relationships are built on mutual interest and trust, when both receive and give at the same time, have a chance for a long life. Are they only controlled by feelings? Maybe love comes to some couples over time?

Story 1

Oksana, 29 years old

My grandmother married a decent and simply good man who could take care of her. There was no love there; the future newlyweds did not even know each other. They lived a long, happy life, raised children, grandchildren, and at seventy years old they were again the bride and groom, again kissing amid cries of “bitter,” and no one had any doubt that they loved each other. Many will say: “That was the time...” Time passes, people and their morals change, but their feelings, experiences, joys and sorrows remain. Therefore, I believe that often loveless marriages turn out to be happier and stronger.

Do you want to get married?

2. Love is not the only component and foundation of a strong, long-lasting, happy marriage. Some will say: “With a darling, there is heaven in a hut,” of course, there is a grain of truth in this phrase, but this most often works when there are only two of you in the family and there are no children. Each of us would like his children to live in the best and most comfortable conditions, and this applies not only to the financial side, but also to the emotional side. So, for example, it is important for a woman to be close to a person who will become a reliable support for her and their children, who will have similar views with her in raising them, someone who will put his family first. This also applies to men. They want to see a caring wife with a big heart next to them, who could take good care of him and their future children. Therefore, some people, taking these factors into account, choose this form of marriage.

Firstly, love is, as scientists have proven, to a greater extent just physiology. And over time, any love dulls, turns into friendship and passes. What remains are household chores, caring for children, running a joint household, and overcoming difficulties and problems together. When love passes, people begin to have a relationship crisis. In other words: we have not yet learned to live without love, but love and passion have already moved away. Often women experience depression at this time; both spouses, in pursuit of love, find passion on the side. And if there was no love from the beginning, then there will be no crisis. And stability in the family is the most important thing.

Hello Why is this unanswered? Why should a man marry who does NOT love and is not even mistaken about this? We must love EACH OTHER and then it will be “better to live in a family.” And this is not uncommon. People just love differently, that's all.

this is only if you live with a burnt man... my husband loves me, I got married on the fly, I didn’t love him and I don’t love him, the first few years were all right, but now he sees everything, he suffers, his suffering just infuriates me... and I feel sorry for him, and he’s tired of his snot, but on the other hand, I’m already a dear person, maybe I’m a fool, but I don’t see great happiness

And you won't see it. Because it's not logged. It's really difficult and not that fun. Both end up suffering in one way or another.

#71870908
20.12.11 23:56
Anonymous25

a marriage of convenience is considered the strongest. Uzbeks still meet at weddings. A Tatar friend married a Tatar, but loved a Russian. Another friend, already old, began to live in GB with good, bad habits M.. Everyone lives a long time and is happy.

And people most often marry for love sociable and emotional. As you know, emotions are changeable, and as the famous French writer Frederic Beigbeder wrote, the lifespan of love is three years. However, many of us are ready to argue with this and argue that love comes once in a lifetime and accompanies us until death. But this is only when the spouses have something to do together and talk about. To maintain love, it is very important not to pester each other with excessive attention and criticism; you must maintain close emotional contact all the time.

Thus, “of the passionate marriages, 65% broke up (or the spouses recognized the marriage as unsuccessful). Of those who believed in the “beauty for money” equation, 90% admitted themselves to be deeply unhappy (even to the point of dissolution of the union). And of the reasonable spouses who relied on the character of their partner, on common interests and values (and believed that they were not marrying for love), only 35% were dissatisfied with their family!” - writes “KP”.

What would you like to receive from the psychologists to whom you wrote a letter?

Do you dare come with this question?

Because your question is: how can I live without a burden? (behind which stands - take the burden off me) - does not lead to the light...

... From early childhood, girls dream of big, bright love, but it still doesn’t exist... Many people ask the question: “Should I get married without love or while away my life alone”?

Gone are the days when a girl turns 30 and everyone whispers behind her back, making all sorts of “diagnoses”, starting to look for flaws and trying to introduce her to someone...

Is it necessary at all...

Should you marry without love? Is it necessary at all in the modern world?

« Married means someone needs you"! – this stereotype has long since sunk into oblivion! But for some reason the girls did not want to become brides. It’s easier to live together, and it’s easier to raise children, and we’re not animals to constantly look for a mate...

Millions of women get married not at all because they are in love and want to live with this particular man “both in sorrow and in joy.” Some marry for convenience, others for circumstances, others just to get married, and then how it turns out... and there are also girls who believe that husband and wife are two halves of this whole, and you should get married only for love.

Two sides of the same coin

Each person must choose when and how to get married. Should you marry without love? On the one hand, this is sad, on the other... it has its advantages.

Minuses

By marrying without love to a man who “carries in his arms,” a woman is doing him a favor. Such a position can humiliate a gentleman, and the lady herself is in an ambiguous position. In the future, unjustified hopes and mutual reproaches may arise.

pros

With an unloved husband, you can just relax and live!

Firstly, you’re not afraid of losing him, secondly, he’s missing, and thirdly, you’re not afraid of making a bad impression. According to sexologists, a woman who is not in love with her partner is more free and completely relaxes, and gets real pleasure, because she does not have to please, so that God forbid her beloved thinks badly of her.

If a man does not call and the girl feels respect and sympathy for him, there is spiritual closeness between them, then this can become a solid foundation for a future family. Against this background, love will arise.

Scientists have proven, and practice confirms, that with frequent sexual intercourse with one man, substances that are produced when falling in love are synthesized in a woman’s head. What does this mean? Some time will pass and she will definitely fall in love with her husband. And, surprisingly, the relationship between the spouses will be closer and stronger than the love that the girls are waiting for.

True love is born slowly!

Love according to scientists

Love is a dangerous disease, scientists have come to this conclusion.

Scientists at the University of Arizona (the largest in the USA) consider love “narcotic psychosis of the paranoid type on sexual grounds.”

They argue that the brain of a lover, like a drug addict, produces neurotransmitter hormones that cause euphoria and addiction. Therefore, people in love endure separation very painfully. Their condition resembles drug withdrawal. Cheating on a loved one can lead to depression and suicide.

“In neuroscience, based on studies of the brains of lovers, love has been defined as “dopaminergic goal-setting motivation to form pair bonds.” Wikipedia

“Love is a disease that can cause serious damage to health,” say British scientists from Imperial College London. “The body of a person in love experiences a huge storm of emotions, leading to long-term illnesses,” – says British professor Martin Cowie.

Love is the medicine

There are quite a few scientists who consider love to be a medicine.

“Love is the cure for all ills, and this medicine is often prescribed but rarely taken.” K. A. Menninger

Who to believe? And should you marry without love only out of sympathy and respect?

Only the woman herself can decide this. Just don’t go out because society demands it or the time has come...

Look also

Our own destiny is our choice, which we have made ourselves. When we make our choice, we thereby create the further pattern of our life in the future. If we imagine our life in the form of a picture, then it is unlikely that it will be beautiful and pleasing to us if there is constant calculation and self-interest that we follow. And thus, constant betrayal occurs, and we betray ourselves. And now let’s ask the question, how is it possible to get married without love?

If a young man proposed to you, who has only positive qualities, and you don’t feel any sparkle towards him, this does not mean that there are no feelings at all, because it means he has qualities for which you respect him.

In other words, the girl accepts her life position. What prevents you from truly loving him? And in general, what is love and what does it mean? Love is the feeling that a person experiences when he sees a person, his heart skips a beat, and his whole body feels hot and then cold just from one touch.

Love is a feeling like passion that suddenly comes and goes, but the initial attachment to a person remains forever. There is no passion without love. A lack of physical attraction can become a serious obstacle to further family happiness. If a person goes into bed with someone he doesn’t love, then this is a certain amount of violence and hard labor.

But if you like communicating with this person, his presence is pleasant, there is sympathy, then this is a very big plus. But if such qualities are absent, then most likely there is no need to connect your life with him.

But you shouldn’t make a decision so quickly; you should spend some time together, look more deeply at the relationship, and perhaps even try to live together for a while. During this time, relationships can change: become much closer, there will be more trust, sympathy will increase. Such relationships are not hopeless; they can have a continuation that will develop into true love.

After all, there have been cases more than once when people did not marry for love, and only then it appeared to them, but it was real. An example is mainly given by Arab countries, where a girl is married off to a complete stranger, but a decent man. There is such a belief that if you deeply love a person, then you close your eyes to absolutely all the shortcomings, and if there is no love, then the advantages will further oppress and irritate. According to this opinion, you should look for your love and not marry an unloved person!

But all this is good and charming only in youth, when a girl is waiting for her prince. And if the years go by and the prince still doesn’t appear, what should you do? Men are hovering around, I propose, but I have no feelings for them. So you can live until old age without starting a family. And for every woman, family is the most important moment in life, because she is predisposed to this, it is inherent in her nature.

And some women really want to have a child and therefore, for the sake of their goal, they agree to a marriage not for love, but choose a man who could support the family. This cannot be called a negative point, because a woman is looking for happiness in a child and will achieve it.

There is another point why a woman can get married without feelings. This is the fear of being lonely and of no use to anyone in the future. It’s very scary to come to a house where no one is waiting for you, where there is no family comfort and you don’t feel the hand of a man in the house. And in old age there will be no one to take care of, no one to spend free evenings with.

To summarize, it should be noted that whether to marry for reasons other than love is a very personal matter and must be approached individually in each situation. In youth, it is good to adhere to such prejudices, but with age, this request should be reduced to a minimum, while paying attention to completely different points: the man’s decency, his financial situation, character, and so on.

And we must not forget about children, who make a woman not only charming, but also tender and sweet, and most importantly, she will have a new status - mother.

Therefore, we need to start a family in any case, but how fate turns out depends on us. Therefore, you need to make every effort to achieve your happiness and not let it slip through your hands!

00:00 8.11.2015

“Yes, this is at least immoral!” - the romantics will say and... they will be right. But the paradox is that high intensity of passions is by no means a guarantee of the success of the union. What makes a marriage lasting?

What awaits people who marry “out of interest,” convenience, with a cold heart, “out of intelligence”? Divorce, family quagmire or a completely prosperous life? After all, when emotions go away, families often collapse.

During the time of girlhood, our fairy-tale ideas about family happiness were closely complemented by dreams of walks under the moon, armfuls of flowers and eternal bliss. Agree, how much melancholy there is in this folk wisdom: “if you endure it, you will fall in love”! No, if you put on a luxurious dress and walk in it to the solemn march of Mendelssohn, then only on the arm of your one and only beloved!

“Modern people often call anything love: passion, sex, friendship,” says psychologist Oksana Korolovich. “And then they are surprised that the marriage has broken up. A strong union is a relationship based on interest and trust in each other. And before go to the registry office, ask yourself: are you interested in this person? Are you ready to take his last name, continue his family line? If there is no interest in the man as an individual, in a few years the spouses will turn into neighbors who simply share the same territory. And such a union is unlikely to happen. successful."

Story 1

Oksana, 29 years old - She married to spite her lover, but only harmed herself!

I was 20 when I fell madly in love. The plot of my novel developed classically: tender speeches, African passions, walks (and not only) under the moon. And then they abandoned me... Tears, hysteria, depression - it seemed to me that my life was over.

And then Oleg appeared on my horizon. I knew he liked me: we went to college together. But I never let him get close, I just liked him. Everyone knew about my unhappy love, including Oleg. One day he came up and said: “Oksan, are you going to suffer all your life? Maybe we’ll go to the cinema in the evening?” At that difficult moment for me, he showed so much attention and tact that I looked at him with different eyes.

He took care of me. I accompanied him home. He fed them sandwiches between couples. He even wrote tests for me. My girlfriends were jealous of me: they say, Oleg is so reliable. I treated him like a brother. But when he proposed getting married, I made up my mind.

I thought: is it worth looking for love if good, faithful and attentive Oleg is nearby? In the end, if you endure it, you will fall in love, as they said in the old days... But the most important thing is that I did it to spite my ex-beloved. I thought: let him know that I’m not lost! Let him now bite his elbows for abandoning me once!

A year later, Nikita was born to us. Oleg fussed with him and nursed him, allowing me to sleep longer, and ran for groceries. At the same time he worked. From the outside it seemed that everything was fine with us. It was only me who felt bad... At first, irritation settled in me. Some of the husband’s qualities began to strain me: his pedantry, meticulousness, his habit of always putting everything in its place. One day I caught myself thinking that I was annoyed by the way he carefully eats! I can't see how long and carefully he scrubs the plate to make sure it's perfectly clean. How he slowly fastens the buttons on his shirt, how he takes off his trousers and how long he folds them, arrow to arrow. Horror!

I tried to complain to my friends - they didn’t understand me! After all, my husband didn’t drink away the money, didn’t lay a hand on me, took care of my son and me, and didn’t cheat, in the end! But I could no longer live with him under the same roof. We started having problems with sex. Not only could I not sleep with him, I could not stand his touch! He demanded an explanation - she replied that I would go to the doctor, perhaps it was some kind of postpartum reaction.

I didn’t go to the doctor because I already knew my diagnosis: I just didn’t love Oleg. I convinced myself for so long that I could be happy with him that I got the opposite result. My nature simply hated this man...

When I said that I was leaving, there was a huge scandal. Oleg could not understand what he did wrong. In fact, everything was “so”, the husband was not to blame for anything. Yes, I respected him and felt gratitude. But I didn’t love it! And now I know for sure: I won’t marry again without feelings.

Psychologist's comment -

Oksana did not end her previous relationship - with the man who left her. With Oleg, she gained a new experience: she understood what it was like to be loved.

She married a friend - and it was a mistake. It is not difficult to distinguish a friend from a loved one: good sex can only be with a lover.

And they just had problems in their intimate life. It is very significant that the heroine began to be annoyed by the way her husband ate. The same part of the brain is responsible for food and sex. If you don't like the way a person eats, it means you don't want sex with him (or even feel disgusted). And it’s unlikely that anything good will come out of such a relationship.

Oksana needs to think carefully about her long history with the guy who left her. Try to understand: what did that relationship give her? What did she learn? What did you give that man? Such a conclusion must be drawn: otherwise this unfinished scenario will repeat itself in the future, which is what happened to the heroine. Only when she feels gratitude to that man for the fact that these emotions were in her life, when anger and resentment towards him disappear, will the relationship be completed. And she will have a chance to build a happy union.

Story 2

Daria, 31 years old - Now we love each other!

I don’t remember where I read the phrase: “It’s better to have a divorce stamp in your passport than to be an eternal “miss.” Therefore, I got married with one single goal: to keep up with my girlfriends. But what happens: all my friends are already We managed to visit the registry office, some of them have children, and I’m worse?

Ilya gave the impression of a balanced and flexible person. Why not a candidate for a husband? Yes, I did not feel tender feelings for my chosen one, and when he proposed to me, I honestly admitted it. Ilya was not too embarrassed: “I also don’t really believe in romantic love and other nonsense. I think the main thing is that there is mutual understanding and respect in the family. It seems to me that we are right for each other!”

My friend, having learned that I was getting married, said with the air of a prophetess: “You will run away very quickly. Is it possible to live with a person you don’t love?!” The funny thing is that this same friend was divorced, although she got married out of great and bright love! But their feelings did not stand the test of everyday life, and Ilya and I never even quarreled in five years.

Of course, at first, while they were getting used to each other, there were arguments: for example, I didn’t like his tight-fistedness. But when my husband bought plasma with the money he saved, and then a washing machine, I realized: he is not greedy, he is economical!

Ilya expressed his feelings very sparingly, but I, like any woman, wanted to be hugged, kissed on the back of my head, and said a kind word.

Everything changed in one moment - when I became pregnant. My husband was ready to carry me in his arms! He went with me to the antenatal clinic, filled me with vitamins, and did not allow me to carry heavy bags. A son was born, exactly like his father. The baby was very restless and often cried at night. Ilyusha could cradle his son all night while I slept and gained strength. By morning, exhausted, they fell asleep together, and the baby, hugging his father’s neck with his tiny arms, snorted sweetly and smiled in his sleep.

Looking at them, I thought: even though my husband and I didn’t have a whirlwind romance and seething passions, Ilya is the best dad in the world! And one day the phone rang and a strange voice told me that my husband had been in a car accident. I made it to the hospital on shaky legs, fearing the worst. Thank God, Ilyusha escaped with a simple fracture of his arm and a slight concussion.

Looking at my husband, I suddenly realized for the first time in my life that I could not live without him. Because I love him! Yes, yes, I fell in love with Ilya, but it didn’t happen on the day we met - this feeling grew in me gradually, getting stronger with every day we lived together. And he, it seems, really loved me, he simply expresses his emotions not in words, but in deeds: care, attention, sensitivity.

Psychologist's comment - stories are commented on by Oksana Korolovich, www.ona.kiev.ua

Daria was lucky: in their union a feeling appeared that can be called love. And this is a gift of fate. But women who arrange their lives in this way are at great risk. Because they are not so much interested in the man himself, but in his qualities and abilities.

Such relationships can reach a dead end, because the husband and wife do not give each other anything spiritually, their marriage is based only on material values.

When one only gives, and the other only receives, the union will also not be successful.

As a result, they find themselves in a family swamp: there seem to be no insoluble contradictions, but it is very depressing to be around. And most importantly, both do not grow as individuals, which means they will be forced to look for what is missing in the marriage on the side.

Story 3

Ksenia, 34 years old - What if it’s still love?

I was born in a small town where it is customary to get married almost immediately after graduation. Girls, without hesitation, put on wedding rings and have children early. Not being married at 25 is already the fate of an old maid!

After school, my parents were afraid to let me go to the regional center, so I entered the local medical school. From the age of 15 I dated a guy, and according to all the laws of the genre, he should have become my husband. But the unexpected happened. One day my older brother came from the city to rest with two friends. One of them, Igor, was already 28, and he stood confidently on his feet. He was generally good: educated, from a professorial family, with his own small business, with a beautiful car... I noticed that he liked me, but for me he was an adult from another planet.

Igor had serious intentions towards me. On New Year's Day he came with an official proposal. That's so out of date! But it really touched my family. Everyone, including uncles and aunts, began to treat me in a friendly manner. And I didn’t resist much. The obstacle was Dimka, my boyfriend, but not for long - how could he withstand the competition with Igor?

We got married, and at 19 I already became Artemka’s mother. Everything was going as usual: a strong family, prosperity, and by the age of 23 I had finally sorted out my diploma. And here I felt discomfort... I became incredibly bored. Everything is fine, but I'm bored. We lived together with Igor, raised our son, did many necessary things, but hardly talked about abstract topics.

I went to work in a small private clinic, but this did not make my life any more interesting. I spent hours watching stupid romantic TV series, reading romance novels and... desperately jealous of the heroines! And the stormy personal life of my neighbor and friend Lena was like a movie for me! I felt like some kind of snow queen. Now I understand that I just really wanted love. She came.

Vanya appeared in our clinic as a visiting consultant. He is a doctor from God, and our boss tried to get him to join us for a permanent job. But Vanya believed that he would lose his qualifications and continued to work in an emergency hospital. At first I was simply worried about his presence. He appeared several times a week - so handsome, radiant - and I froze with happiness! And when it turned out that our feelings were mutual, this began! I simply physically could not live without him! For 24 hours I wanted to touch him, look, listen... He started talking - and I already knew what he would say next, he also predicted my thoughts... When I had a hypertensive crisis, Vanya, usually careful, called at that very moment. There were many such coincidences! So two years passed. I understood that I could no longer be near Igor. Rare forced sex with my husband seemed like betrayal to my Vanya, and not vice versa. Naturally, at some point everything came out. There were scandals, there was even a fight between two men...

I finally decided to leave Igor. It's hard to describe what it cost me. My family and friends convinced me that only a crazy woman could leave such a husband for the sake of a “half-poor” (my mother’s expression) doctor. Artem also didn’t want to leave with me; he is very attached to his father and mother-in-law, who has been involved with him a lot since childhood. And Vanya was very worried that he would not be able to provide me with the standard of living to which I was accustomed.

We've been together for three years now. I cannot say that I am absolutely happy - after all, I made so many people suffer, including my son. But I can’t change anything, Vanya and I are like two halves of a whole. Therefore, I can only say one thing about a marriage without love: it can be happy if you are “lucky” - if you never meet true love. Which covers, captures, gives the desire to live, to fly! However, can we say “lucky” about this?

Psychologist's comment - stories are commented on by Oksana Korolovich, www.ona.kiev.ua

Ksenia and Igor had a typical form of parent-child relationship. He is an accomplished person who in many ways helped her develop as a person. He was convenient for her: Igor gave, Ksenia mostly received.

When Ksenia met and fell in love with Vanya, she not only received, but also gave away feelings and emotions!

The heroine had a choice between a material relationship scheme (with Igor) and a spiritual-sensual one (with Vanya). And she chose the second: she gave herself neither more nor less - freedom of development. Of course, it’s not a fact that Vanya is really her soul mate, although it very much looks like it! But we can definitely say that this union is more promising and harmonious than the previous one. I would wish her to maintain trust and interest in each other all the time.

Comment from a sexologist - comments on stories Yulia Mazaeva, urologist, sexologist, [email protected]

For a woman to fully reveal her sexuality, passion alone is not enough, because it is short-lived and lasts only 3-4 years. What's next? Divorce? Different bedrooms? New whirlwind romances on the side? But if the partner is gentle, tactful, and knows how to capture a woman’s mood, then the union will be harmonious.

Passion alone cannot be the key to a happy marriage. The most important function of a woman is motherhood, giving birth and raising children.

Therefore, she first of all evaluates a potential husband from the standpoint of his ability to be a good father and financially provide for his family. If feelings are supported by respect, common interests, and reliability, a kind of “love-trust” arises. Marriages where husbands successfully combine the qualities of a parent, provider and skilled lover are usually stable and can be even more successful than those based only on passionate attraction.

Celebrity alliances

Now they say that they lived in love and happiness. But when they got married, there was no talk of bright feelings.

Marlene Dietrich and her Rudolf Sieber:"He was not a lover, but a best friend..."

The dazzling and extravagant Marlene Dietrich played the role of a fatal seductress not only on the screen, but also in life: she changed lovers and mistresses! She shocked the public, causing bewilderment, indignation, gossip... But few people know that all this time she was married to one person - her faithful, devoted friend Rudolf Sieber.

“Blue Angel” Marlene trusted her husband with absolutely everything (including love secrets). And he, for example, lived with another woman in the house that Marlene rented for them. And he raised his and Dietrich’s only daughter. Many enviable men asked the actress to marry (writer Remarque, actor Gaben), but she remained Sieber’s legal wife. Her husband died and Marlene found herself alone. In one of her few last interviews, she will say that Rudolf was the only person unable to betray her...

Larisa Golubkina and Andrei Mironov:"We married without love"

Andrei Mironov, a sex symbol and hero-lover, more than once proposed marriage to actress Larisa Golubkina. She laughed it off - she didn’t take her friend’s proposal seriously. Then Mironov became the husband of actress Ekaterina Gradova, then divorced. Larisa already had a daughter and an unsettled personal life. When Andrei once again offered to sign, Larisa replied: “But we don’t love each other!” “Nothing,” he retorted, “we’ll live and love.”

“Yes, people often get married, experiencing a passionate attraction. But this can turn into disappointment,” says Larisa Golubkina. “We didn’t have a sizzling passion, but there were no scenes of jealousy or showdown. A strong, friendly family (Mironov adopted Golubkina’s daughter - Masha) we lived for 13 years, until Andryusha’s death.”

It’s no secret that Mironov had affairs, which Larisa knew about... But the actress recalls life with him as the best years of her life: “We were close people and, no matter what happened in life, we never left each other trouble. Isn't that the main thing?.."

Larisa Rubalskaya and David Rosenblatt:“I started composing because I fell in love with my husband!”

“When I turned 30, I came to the conclusion that I needed to take the choice (and search) of a husband seriously,” says poetess Larisa Rubalskaya. “I even asked my friends to choose a groom for me!”

Future husband David did not make an impression on Rubalskaya: he was divorced, and his profession - a doctor - was not at all romantic! However, friends and parents convinced her that this calm, reasonable man could become a good husband. Some time after the wedding, Larisa felt that she fell in love with David. He became the closest person to her and a real support: he was involved in preparing her evenings, thinking through scenarios, concluding contracts, meeting with administrators, artists, and sponsors. And he was the first critic of her creations.

“You know, I started composing songs because... I fell in love with my husband,” Larisa recalled. Having maintained a warm, trusting relationship, they lived with David Rosenblatt for 30 years. He died in May of this year. Larisa is sure that it was her wise choice that helped her find true love.

Male approach

American sociologists came to sensational conclusions: it turned out that modern men prefer to create marriages of convenience. More and more gentlemen are proposing to ladies whose social and economic status is higher than theirs.

Experts note that 40 years ago the situation was the opposite: men married for love, and the financial situation of their chosen one did not bother them.

Subtleties of Eastern alliances

In a number of eastern countries, marriage is approached wisely and judiciously: if there is a girl of marriageable age in the family, parents and relatives select grooms for her. The young lady first looks at the photos of the applicants, then selects several. Then follows the dating procedure.

If she doesn’t like the guy, she carefully refuses him. If they like each other, the relatives negotiate the terms of the union and set a wedding day. Most Europeans don’t like this system - we just do everything fundamentally differently! However, in eastern countries there is a very low divorce rate, for example in Jordan - only 1%.

What do the readers of the magazine "The One and Only" think?

My parents forced me to marry someone I didn’t love. I lived for a year and a half, drowning my sorrows in alcohol, not spending the night at home 2-3 days a week. The husband endured and waited. But then I accidentally came across my correspondence with my lovers and suggested either getting a divorce or changing.
I stayed. It was hard at first. But the husband never reproached, did not remember the past. And I fell in love with him. Now our son is 9 months old and we are happy! I can’t see myself without my husband, I’m ashamed and hurt for my past. But I think with horror what would have happened if love had not come to him...

Girl

Girls, living with love is just as painful as living without it. Love came to me at the age of 25. We were together for 3 years. And one day he exchanged me for a woman with an expensive car - his future wife. And he offered to remain his mistress. I left him myself. A year later she married someone else. I don't love my husband. There is no peace of mind. So whether there is love or not, life is no easier.

Kate

We also got married without love. I was a widow, his wife left him. We, of course, had mutual sympathy, common views on life, but there was no time to court. We got married and began to build our love. It wasn't easy at first, but now we are very happy and grateful to each other.

Sachir

I don’t understand marriages like this at all! This doesn't lead to anything good! In a true union there must be love and respect. Someone may completely disagree with me, but I believe that you should marry only for love!

Sarkalina

I married for great love. But at the same time, there was also a sober calculation: my husband earns good money, does not drink (although he does drink), and has a separate home. Although all these benefits were additional advantages - I would still go for him, even poor and homeless.

Jackdaw

Girls, what are you talking about? How do you get into bed with someone you don't love? Isn't it disgusting? How do you give birth to children from someone you don’t love? It seems to me that it is immoral to marry for convenience!

Maxima

P.S. It is impossible to calculate whether a marriage will be happy! And as life shows, any union can fall apart - both one concluded for love and for interest. However, at different times, we women have different needs.

At 20, we want passion and emotion. But by the age of 30, we are already waiting for an even, calm relationship and looking for a man whom we could trust, on whom we could rely, to whom we would want to give (and receive in return) warmth and emotions. And if we meet such a person, we begin to build a life with him. And it often happens that the Lord sends love into such a union.

So let's not condemn marriage of convenience - after all, it does not exclude feelings!

Photo in text: Depositphotos.com