Question to a psychologist

Good afternoon My name is Anastasia, I am 20 years old and I want to ask a psychologist for advice. I am a 2nd year student at the university and my class consists of only guys. For a year and a half now I have liked one of my classmates, for whom from the very beginning I felt disgust and hostility. The fact is that he is very proud and self-confident, but he knows absolutely nothing about the exact sciences. We started communicating with him when he needed help with his studies. Last year he himself wrote to me asking for help and I decided to help him because I love helping people and almost never refuse. We started talking and mostly it wasn’t about studying, it was like an ordinary conversation between a guy and a girl. Each time the pretext for starting a correspondence or meeting was study, but subsequently the topics of conversation quickly changed. He picked me up in a car and we went to the sea and there I explained the material to him and helped him decide. He sent me very sweet messages and called me every evening, I was almost sure that he liked me, but he did not take any decisive action and I did nothing either. At the end of June, I went to another country for a month on vacation, then immediately to another and we stopped communicating altogether. He didn’t even wish me a happy birthday, even though it’s ours every other day. It's worth noting that I helped him with everything he needed. And at the end of September, I found out that he got together with his ex-girlfriend and, naturally, I didn’t look for reasons or reasons to start communicating with him again, but we sometimes called each other on the phone, again because of our studies. I liked him all this time and it was difficult for me to cope with my thoughts, sometimes I even cried. But in the end, I almost got rid of obsessions to change something and was open to everything new, I felt free and independent. In May, I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend back in March and he wrote to me again asking for help with his studies. He asked me to be his partner in a work that needed to be done in pairs. I agreed and we started talking again. Everything follows the same scenario - the car, the sea, conversations and studies. However, now he doesn’t send me sweet messages or call me every evening, and we don’t text much at all. It is also worth noting that in November his mother, with whom he was very close, died, and after this event he became more secretive and cautious, although he had not previously been particularly gullible. Recently, after another lesson, he wrote to me that he really misses her, that it’s difficult for him without her. He also said more than once that he could talk to me on any topic, that he was convinced that I understood him, that he was at ease with me. Now I am practicing abroad and when I return home, we will continue to practice. I like him, but I don't want to force myself on him. Please give me some advice, what should I do? Should I confess my feelings first? How do I know if he likes me or if he only sees me as a way to achieve his goals (studies)? It is also worth noting that this young man is not Russian, he is a foreigner and practically does not understand Russian, we communicate in a foreign language and he has a different mentality. It’s not always easy for me to understand and guess his reaction to some actions and statements, especially since he himself doesn’t particularly strive to show it. Thank you in advance!

Answers from psychologists

Anastasia, hello!
There are no uniform recipes.
Judge for yourself. All people are different - where one girl can calmly endure the words “it’s not what you thought,” another will suffer greatly and consider herself insulted. How many people, so many options.
But there are traditional ways to clarify the situation. To understand a man's attitude, women do not always discuss them directly. It is possible, after all, to communicate in halftones: gaze, facial expressions, gestures. When, even without a word, it is clear whether he responds or not.
In addition, to find out how a young man treats you, sometimes it’s enough to ask about it without revealing your own feelings.

“It’s not always easy for me to understand and guess his reaction” Why guess when you can ask the question directly?

Sincerely,
Kuznetsova Elena Georgievna.

Hello, Anastasia. You were born to do what you want in this life and live the way you want. If you like him, you can let him know about it. Perhaps he likes you too, but he’s not sure about yourself and is not ready to contact you first. If he answers positively, do not rush to melt away. There are important moments of communication in order to understand the degree of value of this person in his relation to you. If a non-working relationship develops, then observe the degree of his reciprocity towards you. Your kindness will not there should be incomparably more of it than it returns to you. If his care is ambiguous, he will always be like this. This means that in the future you will experience a relationship of neglect and control. If care and warmth are organically woven into the relationship, it means he is a reliable person. Therefore, admit what you want and develop relationships the way you want. And life will show what happens next.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist Volgograd

Everything changes when romantic feelings arise against the background of friendly relations. The result of recognition largely depends on the presence or absence of reciprocal feelings in the object of your sympathy, and on the very method of communicating information. No one can guarantee the success of an attempt, but a certain approach will make your fate easier.

Steps

Part 1

Understand your feelings. First you need to make sure that your feelings are not fleeting and that you are ready for decisive action. There are different levels and types of attraction. In some cases, feelings are not strong enough for a relationship to develop; in other situations you should wait and figure everything out. If you are confident in your feelings, then it is better to take a risk and try your luck.

Assess your chances. When we have feelings for a person, we are very rarely able to soberly assess the situation. However, it is important to try to determine the chances of reciprocity. Does a person allow himself any signs of sympathy besides friendship, or does he not even allow the thought of romantic feelings? If you are not ready to lose your friendship, then be sure to evaluate the possible risk.

• Confession can do more harm than good, especially if you misbehave.

1. Find out if the person likes someone else. Information about the possible interests of the object of your sympathy will help you correctly assess the chances of success. Confessing your feelings is always a risk, especially when it comes to a close friend. Before taking decisive action, try to make sure that the person’s attention is not occupied by someone else. Even if a person is potentially attracted to you, he is unlikely to agree to a relationship with you if he has feelings for a third party.

   • It is important to distinguish between genuine interest and passing infatuation. If a friend calls a girl cute or even a beauty, this does not mean at all that he is eager to date her. Perhaps he is testing you with this behavior and trying to gauge your reaction.

Part 2

1. Dress properly. You don't have to choose flashy or luxurious things to dress smartly. It's really just a matter of putting in a little more effort than usual. This is important not so much for a potential partner as for you. A person always feels confident if he looks good. Choose what suits you - take a shower with your favorite gel or wear the most comfortable shirt. Do everything you can to calm your mind and pull yourself together.

   • Undoubtedly, the main reason to put yourself in order lies in increasing self-esteem, but there is no point in arguing that your chances will increase if a person is pleased with your appearance!

2. Use confident body language. Our behavior and self-perception form a vicious circle. When a person wants to show his confidence, he uses a certain body language - correct posture, eye contact and smile. This same body language allows him to gain self-confidence. Try to get used to the correct gestures and facial expressions even before you meet the right person. Soon you will feel much more confident.

   Make a list of reasons that will make your potential partner like you. Relationships are a two-way street, so both partners have to give something to each other. You need to understand what you can bring to a relationship to increase your chances of success. You can make a list of your qualities that you value most. How can any of this be beneficial for relationships? Do you like your smile? Then your future partner will like her too. Do you like to laugh? Are you witty and quick-witted? Throw away unnecessary modesty!

Part 3

Be calm and cheerful. Beware of self-doubt, as it can trip you up unexpectedly. Doubts are always reflected in behavior. It’s difficult to act casually enough if you’re going through all the possible scenarios in your head at the time of the conversation.

• If you are feeling anxious, take a deep breath to relieve anxiety or tension.
• Use internal dialogue. For example, try to think about the following: “I have nothing to fear. I am worthy of happiness. Everything will turn out the way I want.” Repeat the words until you believe in yourself and yourself. Believe it or not, positive self-talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, as the resulting confidence will allow you to take control of the situation.

1. Invite the person to meet you. In today's world, people are increasingly confessing their feelings online or through messages. This approach can work, but it robs your conversation of the importance it deserves. In a message, it is impossible to take advantage of body language or show external signs of attention.

   • Offer to meet: “Listen, I wanted to go to the beach this weekend. Would you mind joining me?”
   • Behave as usual, as recognition does not have to be the only point of the meeting. If you enjoy the company of a person, then why not spend time together.

2. Behave naturally. People tend to attach excessive importance to their behavior and this is the main mistake they often make in such situations. Behaving thoughtfully or too intensely will make a person think twice about getting into a relationship, even if he likes you.

   • During a regular meeting, you can go to an entertainment center or a concert, take a walk in the park or on the beach. Try not to go to the cinema, as such pastime limits the opportunities for conversation and makes it difficult to admit your feelings.
   • Lunch at a restaurant is a very common option for a meeting. If you're not used to luxury, it's easy to feel uncomfortable in a fine restaurant. Choose a place with an atmosphere that will allow you to relax.

3. Make eye contact. Positive and confident body language will always help make a good impression, but few things compare in importance to making eye contact when you confess your feelings. Eye contact turns emotions into reality, conveys shades of feelings and all unsaid words. It is enough that by looking into the eyes of your interlocutor, you force him to focus on your words.

   • Look into the eyes when the object of your affection responds. Don't look away when you confess your feelings. Break eye contact when waiting for an answer. This will help the person relax and think things through.

4. Confess your feelings. Talk about how you feel when you've adjusted and are ready. All previous steps were taken for the sake of this moment, and now you probably don’t find a place for yourself. Don't worry, it's quite easy to say the right words. Look the person in the eyes and admit your feelings. Express your thoughts without unnecessary words to avoid misunderstandings. Unnecessarily pretentious phrases will distract attention from the main idea. Be confident and act natural.

   • If you wish, you can explain the reasons for your feelings. Say something like this: “I think this is already clear, but I like you. Not just as a friend. I dare to hope that my feelings are mutual.”

5. Try to express your feelings without words. One way to confess is to say nothing at all. Our actions speak louder than any words. After taking the first step and hinting at your feelings, confirm the confession with words.

Every woman expects kind and gentle words, compliments and, of course, declarations of love from her man. But our faithful are not particularly in a hurry to voice their feelings. Even if you have been together for 10 years and perhaps have never heard the cherished phrase from the lips of your loved one, this does not mean that he does not love you. But why doesn’t a man confess his love?

It is worth noting that more often a man’s love is indicated by his actions: today he just brought you flowers, tomorrow he brought you a gift, he calls you every day from a business trip. By showing concern, he shows how much he needs you. Under no circumstances should a man be forced to talk about love. If he wants to, he will say it himself, but if he doesn’t want to, that’s his choice. After all, men often prove their love through their actions. It is women who are ready to chat incessantly about their love; the strong half of humanity, on the contrary, prefer to remain silent about their feelings.

Why doesn't a man confess his love? Most often this happens for the following reasons:

- they are simply afraid to express their feelings, to seem very tender;

- by nature they are not verbose in such matters;

- it is difficult for them to understand that a woman needs these confessions and believe that his actions speak for him;

- they don’t like the woman next to them and don’t want to lie;

- the man is simply not ready yet, because he is not sure of his feelings.

There are several signs by which you can determine if a man is in love or just playing at love.

1. Interest in the life of your loved one. Constantly asks the woman how she is doing, what she has been doing, how is the health of her and her relatives, how is her friend/colleague...

2.Attentive to mood. He notices the slightest changes and tries to cheer up and tries never to upset his beloved.

3. The man is bored. Even if you have not seen each other for only a few days, he wants to see his beloved smile, hug and kiss her.

4. Loved ones call first. In this case, it can mean one thing - he is interested in how his woman is doing, misses her, wants to hear her voice.

5. The couple is always together. At any event or just in the company of friends, a man takes his girlfriend with him.

6. Makes surprises and gifts with or without reason.

7. My beloved introduced me to his parents. This is probably one of the most important signs that his intentions are serious.

In general, if at least a few points coincide with your relationship, you can be calm, everything is fine and don’t worry about the question “Why doesn’t a man confess his love.” But if none of the points are met, you should think about what stage your relationship is at and whether you need such a man nearby.

Every girl dreams that her lover will say three cherished words: “I love you.” In some cases, this moment comes on time, and the faithful confesses his feelings. But what to do if a man shows signs of attention, but is in no hurry to talk about love? Let's look into the current situation together.

The reasons for your Romeo's silence

If you believe in the theory of the American psychologist John Gray, which he described in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” then the strong half of humanity is a closed puzzle book for fragile ladies. Men and women are so different and distant that they can be considered from different planets. But even aliens can establish contact using love and mutual understanding as levers.

According to Gray, women are more emotional, sensitive and sociable. It is important for them to talk about everything that happens in life. They expect the same from men. But representatives of the stronger sex are more restrained, rational, firm and silent. Even if they love, it is difficult for them to express this feeling in words. Why, in harmoniously developing relationships, do some men not talk about love? Let's consider a number of factors influencing their behavior.

• The man believes that words have no meaning, actions are much more important.
• He is stopped by the negative experience of previous relationships.
• He has not yet figured out his feelings and cannot say one hundred percent that he loves you.
• Since childhood, he was taught to restrain everything inside himself (supposedly, the manifestation of feelings is a woman’s prerogative, and men don’t cry!).

How to push a man to confess his love

What to do if a man does not say the long-awaited three words? The main thing is not to lose composure and not to become depressed. A common mistake women make is psychological pressure on their partner and unreasonable hysterics. In this case, the man will be shocked by the new appearance of his beloved and will back down.

If you really love this person, then you should be patient. Sooner or later he will admit his feelings and explain his silence.

And if time passes, and the young man still plays the silent game? Don't rush to break off the relationship. There are several ways to open the door to the soul of a shy boyfriend:

1. Some women naively assume that their lovers know what they are thinking and what they want. But men can’t read minds! Sometimes you need to talk about your desires out loud. For example, if you want your boyfriend to kiss you when you meet, then tell him about it. Surely he will take this into account, and during the next date he will certainly kiss you. If you want to hear words of love, then confess your feelings. Perhaps after your words he will dare and reciprocate.
2. There is also a completely opposite approach - not to reveal your feelings and remain a gentle and fragile woman. Don't take on the burden of responsibility, let him feel like a real man. After all, in the end, he is able to make independent decisions and bear responsibility for them. Your task is to support your loved one in a difficult situation. If you succeed, he will soon appreciate and love you.
3. Remain a mystery to him, do not frighten him with importunity. You shouldn’t call him twenty times a day and ask for a date. A man must get bored himself and take the initiative.

Men pronounce declarations of love in works of art, be it a film or a book, every hour. In real life, from some representatives of the stronger half of humanity you won’t get “I love you”, “You are my everything”, “I’m ready to do anything for you”, etc. for months. Why does this happen? Why do men so often hide their true feelings, although they know that “a woman loves with her ears?”

Why is a man silent about his feelings?

In fact, there can be a great many reasons, because it all depends on the person himself, his character, upbringing, field of activity, or simply the banal courage to open up to his other half. And yet, we have tried to summarize and highlight some of the reasons why yours may remain silent about his feelings.

Why doesn't a man express his feelings?

1. A man’s lack of desire, so to speak, to give a woman a weapon against himself. Many men are firmly convinced that today you will tell about your feelings, and tomorrow you can hear requests as proof of love - “If you love, buy this,” “If you adore me, let’s go to our mother” (I mean mother-in-law ) and so on. Men are simply afraid that a woman will start on them because of their frankness.

2. The next reason - fear, apprehension - is very similar to the first. Some representatives of the stronger sex are afraid that, having heard from them a confession of their feelings, a woman will perceive this as a signal to permanently possess this man; they are afraid of demands to get married, take on most of the household responsibilities, and so on. A man is afraid of becoming completely dependent.

3. There is no or there was no positive example. In your opinion, how often did a man who was born in the mid-20th century tell a woman about his feelings? It would probably be nice if once every six months or on holidays. So it turns out that the current generation of men, some of whom grew up and were brought up in such a somewhat secretive atmosphere, on a subconscious level follows the example of their father - they will remain silent about their feelings until the last.

4. Solidarity between men (more about). Most of them believe that they should tell women about their feelings as little as possible, including the reasons stated above. It is because of this solidarity that they can “keep silent for years.” This is a kind of recognition of oneself as weak-willed, unable to control oneself, some of them believe.

5. And, of course, silence is not without such a reason as bitter experience (although both men and women get it). Maybe once upon a time, your man has already uttered these cherished three words - I love you - and there was no one happier than him in the world. But then, perhaps, something didn’t work out, it went wrong, an unpleasant act occurred on the female side (deception, etc.) and there was an unpleasant aftertaste, resentment or even hatred, which a man can now associate with declarations of love. And, of course, no one wants to make the same mistake again.

What to do if a man is silent about his feelings

And yet, if your man is silent about his feelings, and you still can’t wait to find out what’s in his soul, what he feels towards you, just try to analyze all his actions, actions, and attitude towards you. Don't put pressure on him - it may have the opposite effect.

Men never do anything for nothing. And the one who is in love is ready for any sacrifice.

Look from the outside - does he care about you? Are you ready (at least sometimes) to sacrifice your favorite activity for the sake of spending time with you? Can you rely on him, i.e. at any moment he will help and always lend his manly shoulder. Evaluate actions. For a man who loves and is not confessed, it is most often much easier to express his feelings in actions and deeds than in words.

Therefore, if your man is always there when you need his help, sacrifices himself for the sake of your relationship, gives everything and does not demand anything in return, you can be sure that he loves you and will definitely admit it. Even the most secretive one.