There are times in life when people think about adopting a foster child. This may be a consequence of various reasons: an altruistic desire to help a child who has been left an orphan, the inability for some reason to give birth to one’s own child, the desire for a large family in the absence of health to independently give birth to many children. But whatever the real reason for adoption, future parents (or a parent) will certainly be faced with the question of how difficult it will be to raise an adopted child, what problems may arise in connection with adoption, and how to help the adopted child adapt to a new family?

The main problems associated with the adoption of a child and his upbringing can be divided into 3 groups:

1) Child adaptation and relationships with adoptive parents

It is very important for adoptive parents to understand one thing: no matter what age you accept a child into your family, the negative experience of the past will still put pressure on him. And no matter how you show your love for him, no matter how hard you try to be good parents for him, the child’s mental trauma will still manifest itself. This kind of manifestation can be different: anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite, the appearance of inappropriate reactions to any actions of the adoptive parents. Usually, when parents welcome a foster child into their home, they think: “Now we will provide him with a warm, cozy home, delicious food, and surround him with warmth and care. We will be able to give him the love that his biological parents deprived him of.” But, thinking to themselves this way, adoptive parents do not take into account one important detail: it is much easier for them to give love to their adopted child than for him to accept it. The fact is that abandoned children are special, and in communicating with them and raising them, difficulties arise that cannot be resolved with love alone. The burden of an adopted child’s past will sooner or later lead to the fact that he will begin to wonder: why did this happen, why was I abandoned? And at this stage it is necessary to provide the baby with timely psychological support, otherwise his internal experiences will spill out, manifesting themselves in the form of bad, provocative or rejecting behavior: he may start swearing, rocking, sucking his finger, smearing excrement on the walls, peeing or come up with something more “original” only to cause self-rejection.

But there is another extreme. It happens that a child, having not received proper care from adults in infancy, can, on the contrary, be very trusting and easily go into everyone’s arms, call everyone mom and dad, but it is just as easy to forget. Such a child easily agrees with everything that is told to him, he is passive and, in fact, is not attached to anyone. Such children experience serious difficulties in establishing close contacts and permanent relationships, which must be taken into account when raising them.

And both of these extremes are a normal psychological reaction of a person to the fact that he was once abandoned and betrayed. The fact is that both extremes are aimed at only one thing: not to become attached to anyone, so as not to be deceived and betrayed again. The first extreme is aimed at alienating loving people from oneself, which is an attitude: to provoke rejection, which he himself is afraid of, that is, to reject him himself before they abandon him. The second extreme is aimed at not allowing yourself to become attached to anyone. Thus, the child subconsciously decides for himself that allowing himself to love and be loved is too dangerous for him.

As a rule, adoptive parents cannot understand what is happening to their child: he can leave with anyone or provoke him to be abandoned. In such a situation, the most important thing in raising a foster child is not to be left alone with your problems, but to turn to a psychologist for professional help.

Sometimes a child can show special “inventiveness” and, instead of becoming a “connecting link,” prefer one particular family member - mom or dad. If the family is not very strong, this can lead to divorce. Many families in such situations rush to abandon the further education of such a child, thereby causing him yet another psychological trauma. But the guardianship authorities have their own sanction in this regard: abandoned adoptive parents are deprived of parental rights, and no other guardianship authority will give them an adopted child to care for. In addition, according to Article 143 of the Family Code, “The court, based on the interests of the child, has the right to oblige the former adoptive parent to pay funds for the maintenance of the child...”.

2) Heredity

Let's not lie - of course, the topic of heredity worries adoptive parents and is a certain problem in education, because of which many are simply afraid to accept children from an orphanage into their family. After all, everyone knows the fact that psychological problems can be corrected, but “you can’t argue against heredity.” Basically, this fear is associated with the opinion that has existed for many years and is still current that children in orphanages are all born from alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals, and the vices of their parents will certainly be inherited and will sooner or later appear. But geneticists have their own opinion on this matter. They say that upbringing and heredity have the same influence on personality development. But no one is immune from crime, drug addiction or alcoholism - otherwise why do people with such vices sometimes appear in quite prosperous families?

There is also an opinion that the biological parents of children who end up in orphanages often have hereditary mental illnesses. Yes, indeed, many abandoned children have parents who suffer from this kind of illness, but it should also be noted that not all of them are hereditary.

And in general, genetics is a rather inexact science. After all, genes have the property of “hiding” for several generations, and appearing only in the third or fourth. But one way or another, every person has “bad” genes - and when they will appear and whether they will appear at all - this is a complex question and does not have a clear answer.

3) Health

The issue of an adopted child’s health can be considered related to the issue of heredity, since both of these issues provoke similar fears and problems in raising adopted children and are also resolved in a similar way. Where do these fears come from?

The fact is that many potential adoptive parents believe that children kept in orphanages are not in good health. This is partly true. The medical records of such children indicate many diagnoses, but a significant part of these diagnoses are established immediately after the birth of the children and most of them, with good care and education, quickly disappear. However, the longer the baby stays in the orphanage, where his care, of course, leaves much to be desired, the more “baggage” of diagnoses he can collect for himself. But in most cases, all these problems can be solved if the child ends up in a loving family, where he is provided with decent care, treatment and education. It is also worth mentioning that only a small part of the diagnoses included in the adopted child’s medical record may require long-term treatment. But, of course, it would not be superfluous to conduct a medical diagnosis of a new family member in order to prevent the appearance of some diseases that the adoptive parents may not be aware of.

The only pitfall is that some diseases can appear with age. But, unfortunately, no one is immune from this. After all, this could, God forbid, happen to your own child, but you wouldn’t abandon him because of this, would you? Therefore, both when having your own child and when deciding on an adopted child, you need to determine for yourself that you are ready to accept him as he is. And, as practice shows, having decided this for themselves, adoptive parents forget all their fears and stop worrying about possible illnesses of their adopted child. And, of course, it is worth remembering that in orphanages there are also absolutely healthy children who turned out to be orphans due to various tragic circumstances.

Conclusion

What can be summarized and what should you be guided by when deciding to take such a serious step - to take an adopted child into your family to raise? First of all, you need to clearly understand that you are taking in a sick baby - a sick child, first of all, mentally, and sometimes spiritually, whose healing will take time. And if you are not ready for this, it is better not to make mistakes.

It is also important to understand that to raise an adopted child, it is not enough just to have a kind, loving heart and a desire to help. We must, first of all, be guided by healthy realism. Yes, you are ready to take this baby, he is ready to accept you - but that’s not all. First of all, imagine what you want your child to be like: what he should look like, what he should say, what he should love, how he should learn. Introduced? Now understand: your child, no matter how hard you try to raise him this way, will NEVER fit this image. And this applies not only to an adopted child, but also to a native one. Therefore, let us repeat once again probably the most important thing when deciding to take a child from an orphanage: you must accept him as he is. And under no circumstances should you expect him to meet all your expectations and become what you want him to be. Only in this case will your endeavor be crowned with success, the problems of raising an adopted child will not look so threatening - and the baby will be happy in your family.

Psychologists are sure that the difficult behavior of an adopted child may be a kind of response to what is happening inside the family into which he came. And without changes within the family, it can be difficult to achieve changes in the behavior of the children themselves.

What happens to boundaries within the family? Photo – cyberprzemoczstio.eu

Child and family psychologist, visiting specialist at the Resource Center for Assistance to Adoptive Families with Special Children (Foundation Fund "Here and Now") Jessica Frantova identifies 4 reasons why a child behaves difficultly. She shared her opinion with the participants of the conference “Difficult behavior of an adopted child: prevention, causes, correction,” organized by the Here and Now Charitable Foundation for Orphans.

Jessica Frantova, psychologist.

Boundaries within the family

Most parents are very fond of saying that children do not respect boundaries, do not respect parents, and do things without asking. Family psychologists advise parents to ask themselves the question: “What is happening with the boundaries within your family?”

“You and I grew up in a culture where boundaries were not respected in principle. For many of us, the question arises: what boundaries are we even talking about? Are the doors to your room locked? Are they knocking? Is permission asked to enter the child's room? How do you address each other? I often get surprised looks when I ask parents these questions,” says family and child psychologist Jessica Frantova.

Often parents can take the child’s things without asking, enter his room without asking, and believe that the child does not have his own opinion until he grows up. “The most offensive thing is that when parents say such things, they don’t really mean this. They simply repeat the statements they are used to. They are not aware of the context that lies behind these phrases.

The child is in this situation, and then we wonder why he does not respect other people’s boundaries, for example, he steals. Theft is also a violation of boundaries. Accordingly, working with boundaries and their construction within the family can have a very beneficial effect on how the child will behave in society and respect other people’s boundaries,” notes Jessica Frantova.

Merger

Merger is when an adult very, very strongly within himself and his emotional background merges with the child. It’s quite easy to see: an adult says “we” to himself and a child who is over 1 year old. “We sleep”, “we eat”, “we got vaccinated”, “we went to university”, “we got a job”. Psychologists call for “we” to end in one to one and a half years.

What are the dangers of a merger? An adult entering into a merger with a child is looking for a partner in order to survive his difficulties. And he sees this partner in the child. He merges with the child's problems so as not to solve his own. And therefore, the adult is not interested in the child solving his problems.

“It is so inherent that every person wants to be himself, to develop. And when there is a merger, the adult sends a signal to the child: “No, you do not have the right to leave.” How should a child behave in such a situation? To protest with all your might and show “no, I’m not you, I’m different.” Often “I’m different” is transformed into “I’m bad” to show one’s difference, the right to be oneself,” says Jessica Frantova.

Adults need to learn to reframe “we” into “I” and “other.” And more often ask yourself the question: “Who are we?”

Hierarchy

In the family hierarchy there are higher ones - parents and grandparents (grandparents), from whom we receive love, support and care. There are partners - brothers, sisters, friends, and there are inferior ones - children and animals, to whom love and care are given.

Violations are possible in the hierarchy: when subordinates (children) are placed in the place of partners or when they are placed in the rank of grandparents and parents. That is, they begin to expect support and help, which they cannot give due to the fact that they are small and their place in the system is different.

“When a child finds himself in such a situation, when he saves his parents, consoles them, helps them, feels important, we get a difficult teenager. Because he is confident that he is the head of the family. His family made it clear to him that he was such a good guy, he could save his parents from loneliness and tears. And when you try to remove this crown from a child, he is incredibly surprised that it is he who should be saved. Adopted children did not receive enough help from their superiors. And without this resource, they still have to give us something... If a child is made to understand that his place in the system is to receive and not to give, we can see good changes in his behavior,” notes family and child psychologist Jessica Frantova.

What should adults do who want to demand the love of a child? Experts suggest getting a dog and remind you that a dog is ready to love unconditionally and will accept you as you are. The second way is to remember that everyone is entitled to two parents, two grandmothers and two grandfathers. Not all of them were a resource during life. But in a deep philosophical sense, each of them wants us to be happy.

“In difficult life situations, I recommend remembering how many people above you want the best for you. Imagine them, talk to them, listen to their voices in your heart, call those who are alive, go to visit them,” recommends a family psychologist.

Family secrets

If the adoptive family has topics that are difficult to talk about or scary to think about, rest assured that the adopted child will quickly figure them out, the expert points out. If someone in the family is cheating, then the child will cheat; if someone steals, then the child will also steal.

“What cannot be talked about, the so-called family Voldemort will definitely come out. If we see difficult behavior, we ask ourselves and our family where we experienced something similar. For example, if there was an unreleased death, a terrible loss, then the child may also get lost. If there is a secret of adoption, a secret about the blood family, then the closer the child is to puberty, the more he will show himself everything that is hidden and what is unknown. The fewer secrets, the better,” says the expert.

Dear adoptive parents, how do you feel about the blood fathers and mothers, other relatives of your adopted child (children)?

The family is a living structure, experts point out. The child spends most of his new life in his new family. Accordingly, the laws of this family, public and unspoken, the emotions that circulate within the family, family secrets are what the child unconsciously adapts to in order to survive. In adolescence, a child stops restraining himself and wants to prove to the whole world that he knows what is right. He wants to do the best for his parents by pointing out their mistakes. He does what they have done to him all his life: in order to teach something, they show shortcomings. This is a fairly common parenting method in our culture.

“There is a theme that children owe us. Children should only have one thing - to be happy. This is the best indicator of our work,” the psychologists summarize.

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Adopting a child is a very responsible step. The desire to adopt a baby is perhaps an even more serious decision than having your own. And you need to accept it with full responsibility, realizing that you will have no way back. Let us dwell in more detail on the difficulties that await people who decide to become adoptive parents.

Collection of documents

Many potential adoptive parents, after contacting the department of guardianship and trusteeship, are intimidated by the paperwork associated with adoption. And they stop considering this option, believing that it is easier to fly into space than to adopt a child.

The main requirement that undermines those interested is the level of income and a strict standard for living space: 14 square meters for each family member, including an adopted child. He will also need to be allocated a separate sleeping area and a desk for studying. An HIV-infected baby and a disabled child are provided with a separate room.

If you are determined to accept a baby into your family, you should begin collecting the necessary documents. You need to confirm your legal capacity as a parent: fill out a form, provide a marriage certificate (single parents also have a chance to become an adoptive parent), confirm the availability of housing, official work and stable income. There are also restrictions: the presence of a criminal record and serious illnesses (tuberculosis, mental disorders, alcoholism, etc.). Their full list is given in Article 127 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

Form for accepting a child into a family

If all the documents are in order, then the family faces the problem of what form of adoption of the child to choose. Let's look at the two most common: foster care and adoption.

• Guardianship

Guardianship means accepting a child as a foster child. It is established over children who have not reached 14 years of age, and can be indefinite or appointed for a certain period. The state pays a monthly allowance to a child under guardianship, and upon reaching the age of 18, housing is allocated. However, guardianship requires active intervention in family affairs on the part of the relevant authorities. You will not be able to change the date of birth, and changing the child's last name is difficult. It should be remembered that other applicants for guardianship or adoption of a child may appear at any time.

• Adoption

Upon adoption, the baby acquires a full-fledged family with all rights and responsibilities. You can change his date of birth, assign your last name and patronymic. The adopted child receives the right to inheritance, just like your natural children, and in case of divorce, the right to alimony. If the adoption is canceled, the court, based on the interests of the child, may oblige you to pay funds for his maintenance.

Child adaptation

Many abandoned children have serious problems adapting to a foster family. If parents took a baby from an orphanage, then no special problems may arise, since he has not yet had a negative educational experience. A child over two years old, who has seen enough scandals between his biological mother and father, may react sharply to a loud voice and be afraid of any rustle. It is even more difficult for teenagers who have already lived a difficult life and learned to adapt to it in a not always “legal” way.

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Adoptive parents often fear that their children will exhibit bad heredity. Therefore, adults live in constant tension and look for shortcomings in the child’s development and behavior. Having noticed bad inclinations, parents begin to think that they cannot do anything about bad inclinations, and are disappointed in their choice.

Practice shows that many difficulties arise due to the fault of adults. They are afraid to punish their adopted child if he is, because they think that he will consider himself unloved and a stranger. Remember that proper upbringing in most cases allows you to improve your emotional state and get rid of negative habits.

The truth about adoption

Every adoptive parent sooner or later asks himself a difficult question: should he tell his child, who has already become his own child, the truth about adoption? Let's try to figure out what can happen if you keep a secret.

Many parents think that the truth about the appearance of a child in the family can cripple his life forever. It’s as if you are trying this situation on yourself, thinking about how you would feel if your beloved parents suddenly turned out to be step-parents. Of course, this would be a serious blow.

On the other hand, where is the guarantee that the child will not find this truth in documents or that numerous “well-wishers” will not tell him? Finding out that you are adopted from strangers is much more unpleasant. Not only are your mom and dad not your family, but it also turns out that they have been lying to you your whole life. In such a case, the emergence of mistrust and disappointment in the relationship, as well as numerous problems, is inevitable.

Whether or not to tell the truth to a stepchild is up to you to decide. But if your offspring, having learned that he is not his own, feels an atmosphere of love and understanding, serious conflicts should not arise.

Adoption is one of the social institutions that provides orphans and children without parental care with the legal opportunity to have living conditions and upbringing in a family. Adoption in modern law is considered one of the most significant forms of protection for children deprived of parental care, within the framework of which family ties are established between a child left without parental care, on the one hand, and a married couple or a person who is not the child’s natural father or mother, on the other hand. another. The priority of adoption over other forms of raising orphans - placement in state children's educational institutions (orphanages, orphanages, boarding schools) - is obvious, since only a family can provide a child with optimal conditions for harmonious personal development. The Convention on the Rights of the Child, adopted by the UN General Assembly in 1989 and ratified by the USSR and then the Russian Federation in 1990, declares the importance and necessity of providing all children with the conditions of family education. According to Article 54 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, “every child has the right to live and be raised in a family.”
The relevance of the problem of adoption is associated with a sharp increase in the number of orphans with living parents in the 1990s. The causes of social orphanhood are economic instability and unemployment, alcoholism of parents and deprivation of their parental rights, ill-conceived privatization of housing that turns children into homeless people, and military conflicts in “hot spots.”
In the total number of adoptions, the proportion of cases where a child is adopted by a stepfather or stepmother as a result of the remarriage of the child’s natural parent is significant. At the same time, the vast majority of adoptive parents do not have children of their own, which gives rise to a number of psychological problems associated with their adoption of a child; developing an optimal style of family education that takes into account the psychological and individual characteristics of adopted children with a difficult developmental history; formation of psychological and pedagogical competence. It is necessary to provide adoptive parents with psychological support and assistance in solving problems that arise in the process of raising children.
Motivation for adoption
The fate of parent-child relationships in a new family is largely determined by the following motives for adoption:
a motive that satisfies the need for procreation. As a rule, the reasons for adoption are related to the infertility of spouses who have been trying unsuccessfully for a number of years to solve this problem with the help of treatment. Adopting a child is perceived by childless spouses as the only way to create a full-fledged family. Typically, adoption is initiated by the spouse due to a pronounced “spontaneous craving” for motherhood. Risk factors in raising a child are disagreements between spouses in their desire to adopt a child, in their views on upbringing, fear of “bad heredity,” biased perception of the individual psychological characteristics of the adopted child;
the motive of “meaning of life” - an adopted child gives meaning to the parent’s existence, allows him to determine life goals and objectives;
motive for overcoming loneliness - the child is considered as a significant partner with whom one can establish relationships of intimacy and trust, a source of positive emotional experiences, and support in old age. A similar motivation prevails among single people who, for various reasons, were unable to create or maintain a family. Risk factors in this case are excessive and inadequate expectations regarding the child’s personal qualities (sensitivity, kindness, caring, etc.), the age of the adoptive parents (pre-retirement and retirement), which does not allow for the full implementation of the educational function during a period of high professional and social activity of the adoptive parent. ;
altruistic motivation, the desire to protect the child, assist him and assist in creating favorable conditions for development, to “snatch” the child from the “horror” of the orphanage. This type of motivation seems especially important, since in this case the adoptive parent makes the well-being and interests of the child, rather than satisfying his own interests and needs, the focus of his efforts. The danger of this type of motivation lies in the desire of the parent, with the best intentions, to build an asymmetrical relationship in which the child is unconsciously forced into the role of a “consumer” of the conditions that the benefactor parent creates for him. Obviously, with such indulgent hyperprotection, the child will learn to only take, without giving anything in return;
motive to compensate for the loss of one’s own child. Parents who have experienced the death of a child strive to fill the emptiness and semantic vacuum in life as soon as possible through adoption. Such motivation can cause difficulties in parent-child relationships and even rejection of the adopted child. The idealization of the past and the parent’s constant comparison of his own and adopted child, carried out both on a conscious and unconscious level, lead to disappointment, distancing, alienation and even refusal to adopt. Psychologists who work with such cases recommend that parents wishing to adopt a child temporarily postpone adoption in order to cope with grief and grief of loss. Typically, adoptive parents strive to take into the family a child who is as similar as possible to their own son or daughter - the same age, gender, similar appearance. Similarity in these cases does not help, but, on the contrary, complicates the acceptance of an orphan child, who, naturally, in all respects, in the eyes of parents will be inferior to their own child. Therefore, it is recommended to adopt a child of a different gender and younger age than the natural child [Krasnitskaya, 1997];
motive for stabilizing marital relations. In this case, as in the previous one, the child acts primarily as a means of mending marital relations that have “cracked.” It is difficult to predict success in solving such a task, since raising an adopted child with his own problems and developmental difficulties will become more likely another reason for conflicts and cooling than for the unity of spouses. At the same time, under certain conditions, the option of uniting spouses on the basis of the common goal of education is also possible;
a pragmatic motive for improving the financial and housing situation.
Taking into account the motivation for adoption makes it possible to predict the success of mutual adaptation of parents and children and, if necessary, adjust both the psychological readiness of spouses for adoption and child-parent interaction.
Psychological readiness of adoptive parents to accept a child into the family
Psychological readiness for adoption includes the following components: motivational readiness; psychological and pedagogical competence in matters of development and upbringing of children (awareness about the age-psychological characteristics of children, goals, objectives and methods of education, knowledge and understanding of the impact of social and family deprivation on the mental development of a child at different age periods ); adequacy of the cognitive image of the adopted child (adoptive parents’ awareness of the history of the child’s development, his parents and relatives, major life events and the nature of their child’s experiences, knowledge of the individual and personal characteristics of adopted children, their interests, habits, “strengths” and “weaknesses”; awareness about the child’s social circle, his friends); emotional-volitional readiness (persistence in overcoming the difficulties of upbringing, emotional stability, tolerance to the manifestation of maladaptive behavior, developed empathy, focusing on the interests of the child, and not on one’s own desires).
Psychological readiness for adoption is an important condition for a child’s successful adaptation to an adoptive family. A deficiency of one of the components of readiness, accordingly, entails difficulties and problems in the sphere of child-parent relations. Special programs for training future parents are important, the content of which includes both a general part with the information necessary to prepare future mothers and fathers for parenthood, and a specific one, reflecting the features of including a child into a family through adoption.
The main objectives of programs for psychological and pedagogical preparation of parents for adoption should be: 1) informing adoptive parents about the characteristics of the mental development of children raised without a family;
formation of an adequate understanding of the patterns of mental development of a child and the role of heredity, environment, communication and activity in order to overcome the myth of “fatal bad heredity”;
informing adoptive parents about the dynamics and features of the process of adaptation of a child to a foster family, highlighting the age-specific features of this process; 4) developing competence to communicate with children and adolescents brought up in conditions of social deprivation; 5) discussion and development of criteria for selecting children (gender, age, degree of psychological compatibility with parents) and rules of behavior for parents in the process of meeting children in orphanages and boarding schools; 6) assistance in understanding the motives for adoption and their correction if necessary; 7) building confidence in the ability to overcome problems associated with adoption, assistance in emotional stabilization and overcoming feelings of anxiety and fear; 8) informing adoptive parents about the individual and age characteristics of children selected for adoption, reconstructing the history of their development and developing recommendations for psychological correction and prevention of negative trends.
Dynamics of psychological adaptation of an adopted child to a new family
Psychological adaptation is a two-way process in which both parents and the child must solve problems associated with changes in the composition and functional-role structure of the family. The psychological adaptation of a child to a new family should be understood as his inclusion in the family system, his acceptance of the prescribed role, norms and rules, the formation of attachment to his parents and the establishment of effective forms of communication and cooperation. Psychological adaptation of parents involves the acceptance and development of new functional roles (mother and father), the formation of a productive parental position, and the formation of an adequate image of the child.
The dynamics of the adaptation process - adaptation phases, their content and sequence, duration - are determined by the following factors: 1. the age of the child: the older the child, the higher the likelihood of difficulties arising in the process of his adaptation. Adjustment problems will also differ depending on the child's age. Thus, for a child adopted in infancy, the main problems will be the transition to a new daily routine, feeding, walking, etc. For a teenager, establishing emotional and partnership relationships with parents, accepting and implementing the norms and rules prescribed by the new family while maintaining independence and autonomy of behavior ;
individual and personal characteristics of the child. Young children with a “difficult temperament”, primary schoolchildren and adolescents with pronounced characterological traits and character accentuation are certainly a “risk group” for the success of adaptation to adoption. Their life history and the events they have experienced sharply increase the likelihood of the emergence of undesirable character traits and behavioral characteristics, but does this mean that the adaptation of orphans who have been in unfavorable conditions from the point of view of mental development for a long time is fatally doomed to failure? The well-known “goodness of fit” model allows us to give an optimistic answer to this question. The “good fit” model makes the well-being of a child’s mental development dependent on the relationship between his properties and characteristics, on the one hand, and the characteristics of the environment, situation, and interaction partners, on the other. The ability of parents to adjust their behavior to the characteristics of the child, whatever they may be, to accommodate educational methods and influences in accordance with the situation determines the nature and degree of well-being of adaptation. In this sense, there is no “good/bad” environment and there is no “good/bad” heredity (biological status) of an individual from the point of view of the developmental effect. The effectiveness of adaptation will be determined by the compliance of the family environment and parental behavior with the hereditary constitutional and acquired characteristics of the child;
history of child development. Of particular importance is the question of whether the child was previously raised in a family or was in a child care institution from the moment of birth (the so-called “abandoned children”). If a child comes to a children's institution from a family, then during the adaptation to adoptive parents he will constantly compare the new family structure, traditions, rules, and the attitude of adults towards him with his former family. If he was “removed” from an antisocial and alcoholic family and placed in a children's institution due to deprivation of parental rights, then most likely the comparison will be in favor of the new family. If a child has lost his family due to the death of his parents, then a protest against the entire way of life of the new family is very likely as a manifestation of an acute affective reaction to the grief that has not been experienced. Orphans, who have no living experience at all, will be faced with the problem of mastering those norms and rules of behavior that “home children” literally absorb with their mother’s milk, and will try to bring into the new family the experience of previous orphanage relationships, which do not always adequately meet the norms mutual respect, acceptance and cooperation;
duration of acquaintance with adoptive parents. The better the members of the future family get to know each other, the easier it will be to solve problems associated with adaptation. What matters is not only the time of acquaintance and the number of meetings, but also the content of communication, its emotional intensity, and the mutual orientation of partners towards each other’s personality. The affective and business experience of the child’s relationship with the adoptive parents during the period of acquaintance creates the basis for the development of family interaction and better knowledge of each other;
psychological readiness of parents for adoption. Obviously, it is the adoptive parent who takes the initiative in creating a new family; usually it is he who determines the rules and norms of its life. Therefore, the degree of psychological readiness of the parent to perform the educational function, consideration and respect for the individuality of the child adopted into the family, and, accordingly, readiness for co-creation in the development of the new family will determine the speed and success of psychological adaptation;
the child’s ability to maintain the system of previous social and interpersonal relationships. In the practice of adoption, there are two opposing positions on the issue of the advisability of a child maintaining contacts with a child care institution, each of which has its own rational arguments for and against. The first position - “getting away from the past” - insists on the need to put an end to the “difficult past” as soon as possible, forget it as a nightmare and build a new life and new relationships “from scratch.” Hence the requirement to stop all previous contacts and relationships. An additional argument for supporters of the position of breaking with the past is maintaining the secrecy of adoption. The sooner a child forgets his orphanage past, the less likely it is to accidentally meet him, the more reliably, according to supporters of this position, the secret of adoption can be kept.
The second position insists on the child maintaining the network of previous social and interpersonal relationships - the previous school and class, friends, social circle - due to the fact that a fundamental change in the child’s life, even in the conditions of finding a new family, makes the task of his psychological adaptation extremely difficult. Maintaining social support facilitates this process and increases the level of children’s tolerance to inevitable “unusual” influences.
The main directions of providing psychological assistance to adopted children are as follows:
creating conditions for quick and successful adaptation to a new life in a foster family (regime, requirements, accepted forms of interaction between family members);
establishing positive collaborative relationships with adoptive parents. Expanding and cultivating the norms of emotional assistance and co-experience of the child with his parents in order to form an emotional attachment;
correction of the mental development of the adopted child, creating the basis for the success of his activities and achievements. Orientation of adoptive parents in the child’s achievements, optimal expectations and requirements for the child in terms of success;
assistance in introducing the child to family history. Creation of a “new story” dating back to the moment of meeting the adoptive parents and adoption;
expanding the child’s circle of communication with peers in order to stabilize his emotional status and create a group of psychological support and tolerance resources;
assistance in maintaining the child’s previous significant social and interpersonal connections. Ensuring the continuity of his personal history in order to preserve ego identity and prevent the fear of “losing oneself.”
Questions and tasks
Name the reasons and risk factors for family divorce.
Describe the dynamics of divorce. Formulate recommendations for successfully overcoming its consequences.
What are the benefits and pitfalls of remarriage?
What are the main motives for adopting a child?
List the psychological problems of adoption and formulate recommendations for resolving them.

Problems of adoptive parents and children Adults who are planning to take an adopted child into their family begin to draw idyllic pictures of how they will walk with the baby, play hide and seek, or take the child to kindergarten or school for the first time. And in all fantasies, the baby, especially if there were no children in the family before him, is depicted as a sort of angel-like creature. Some go to the other extreme: they begin to delve into the child’s ancestors up to the seventh generation, looking for various deviations in behavior or health. Which one is right?

Your decision to take an orphan into your home undoubtedly deserves high praise, because you are returning family, love and care to an abandoned child. On the other hand, a child is always a problem, and a child from an orphanage is a much bigger problem, especially if he remembers his past.

When adopting, you can have the child examined by doctors to make sure that there are no serious deviations in health, but how can deviations in behavior be anticipated? How can you guess how your parents or your spouse’s parents will react to the child you choose? And if you have your own children, how will they react to the baby and will they accept the new family member? And can you love your adopted baby like your own?

Psychologists working with adoptive families talk about many problems that arise when adopting children. After all, in an orphanage you can rarely find an absolutely healthy child with good genes. In addition, a child who has been through an orphanage or shelter, abandoned or lost by his parents, or who has gone through trials of hunger and violence, receives severe psychological trauma, which can subsequently cause unwanted changes in behavior.

For example, M.’s family, after their own daughter grew up and got married, took a ten-year-old boy, Alyosha, from the orphanage, who had good characteristics and was a successful student at school. The month he spent with them as a guest showed the good side of the child, and the family formalized the adoption. But this month was the last calm one in their lives. The boy began to lie to his parents about any reason, steal money from pockets and wallets, be rude to teachers at school, fight with classmates, and pester girls. Teachers and housemates complained about him.

Conversations and punishments did not lead to a positive result. M.'s spouses devoted all their free time to the child, surrounding him with care and affection, trying to soften the child's character. Realizing that they couldn’t cope on their own, they turned to psychologists and then a psychiatrist. For a year, specialists and parents tried to revive the boy, but nothing changed. With heartache and guilt, the couple returned the child to the orphanage. But the boy did not react to this at all.

Or here’s another case, of which there are quite a lot.

V.’s family took 7- and 10-year-old sisters from the orphanage. The girls were happy when they found themselves in the family, they immediately began calling their parents mom and dad, they studied well and at first did not cause any special problems. Having settled into the family, feeling that they were loved, the eldest, Lena, suddenly began to learn worse, to be openly rude. One day my father was called to the police station.

The girl was caught shoplifting. Then the calls followed one after another. The parents took the child for examination to a psychologist, who found out that the girl had a hereditary disease - kleptomania, which had not manifested itself in any way before. Parents were forced to return their children to the orphanage.

The problems of raising adopted children may not be so difficult, but in any case, having decided to take a child from an orphanage, you need to be prepared for difficulties, have patience and love.

It is worth noting that adopted children can bring more than just parenting problems. There are others that are not assumed when making a decision, but then can come to the fore.