Good day everyone!

This article is for "single" women. Let's talk to those who are not married or in a relationship, but strive for this.

So, what does it mean that your personal life is not working out?

If your life experience includes the following:

• you attract the wrong men (mercantile, insecure, tyrants, momma's boys, gigolos, etc., who stick to you like a bath leaf to your body);
• the relationship is short-lived: after 2-3 meetings the man disappears from your life;
• we have read dozens of books and completed trainings on how to get married, but nothing works;
• You see a potential husband in every man; you cling to the first person you come across who shows interest in you, although he is not your type;
• you get nervous when relatives and friends ask you the same question about your personal life (something like: “Why are you so beautiful and economical and not married?” or “Why doesn’t someone so pretty have a man?”, or here's another one: “It’s a shame to be without a husband at your age!!!” etc., complete the list of questions yourself).

If you recognize yourself in at least one point, then you have come to the right place.

Just like you, I experienced all of the above circumstances. I experienced constant setbacks and failures in my personal life, started from scratch and repeated the same scenario for the development of relationships over and over again. Building worthless relationships still ended in nothing for one simple reason - I did not love the men with whom I built relationships. Moreover, I didn’t understand why I needed a family and what I wanted from a relationship. I was afraid to be alone. But thanks to my experience, I will share with you the most valuable material.

1. Stop the race to start a family. Stop building relationships, stop doing everything that you were actively doing and that did not lead you to results. If Plan A doesn't work, you have 32 more letters to try... Otherwise, you are in danger of a “squirrel in a wheel” situation—running in circles. So try to stop - you won’t regret it. Doing this is much more difficult than saying it, I understand very well how difficult it is to break away from obsessive thoughts.
2. Ask yourself a question: why do you need a family? What is the purpose of starting a family for you? Just start a notebook/diary and write down everything that comes to your mind about this. Mechanical writing without discussion. Directly according to points 1, 2, etc. If thoughts don't come, it's okay. Concentrate on this issue and live your normal life. Thoughts will definitely come to you. Your task is to record them on paper in a timely manner. Don't rely on your memory. You will definitely forget.
3. After you have written down everything that was on this issue, re-read it and determine where these thoughts came from. Which of them belong to you, and which ones you heard from the lips of relatives, the media, girlfriends, etc. Next to each thought, mark the source of its occurrence. This list is very valuable material for you to work with. Note: when doing this work, do not strain, relax, everything will come by itself without effort. The main thing is not to rush things.
4. Select one item (belief) from the entire list that causes a strong emotional and physical reaction in you (for example, you feel anger, envy, something shrinks inside when you see a wedding, happy couples, etc.). Describe this point in detail (what thoughts, pictures, emotions, physical sensations arise when you read the phrase). In what situations do you become negative? Do you like living with this belief?
5. Practice. Create a new belief and put it into practice. Imagine that you have the authority to create your life. You can cross out everything that you don’t like about it, delete it and bring in something new, something you want, everything that will make you happy. Create a new belief that will bring you positive emotions, feel it deeply. Practice living your new belief as if it has long been an integral part of you.

And now the most important thing: you need to replace the old belief with a new one right in the process of life. Those. when a negative situation arises again in which the old reaction begins to work in you, you need to change your reaction to this event by applying a new belief.

It will be difficult to do this at first. But if you take at least one step every day, then in a week you will move 7 steps forward. I know for sure that it works flawlessly for those who are ready to change their lives.

The mistakes people make on the path of development are rushing things and expecting instant results. This definitely won't happen. Imagine that you have lived for ... (how many) years with your conviction, and then suddenly you decided to radically change. Your mind, soul and body must become accustomed to the new behavior and work together as a team. Just help yourself with this with your patience.

That's all for today! I sincerely wish favorable changes in your life.

The most important thing you need is faith in yourself and in success, no matter what.

Oh yes, more about loneliness.

In fact, you can live in a family and feel lonely, you can walk in a huge crowd and feel lonely. If you remember the wonderful and talented actor Alexander Abdulov, then outwardly he looked like a successful and self-sufficient person. Beautiful roles, a crowd of fans, demand, external success was obvious, he was always surrounded by numerous friends. And only after his death (from lung cancer) his relatives said that Alexander felt very lonely, despite his stormy and eventful life. After the premiere, he held parties at his home, but he did not know many of the people who came to him. Here's the story.

Not all people who show happiness on the outside feel it on the inside. Loneliness can be experienced by a person regardless of the external environment. Some people strive for loneliness ( privacy), they are comfortable being with themselves. So loneliness- This myth. I wrote about him in a previous article.

Change it to privacy.

Being consciously in solitude, you will be able to hear your inner voice, which will give you hints about further actions on the path to your goal. Agree that in a crowd you simply won’t be able to hear him.

And if you are “annoyed” with questions about your personal life, then remember - no one has the right to invade your personal life, no matter what it is. Feel free to fight back. Talk to people in a language in which they understand you (with boors - in a boorish way, with tactful ones - in the same way).

Good day! A couple of years ago I got married, before marriage we lived together for several years. At first I thought that my husband was the most beloved and important person for me, with whom I would definitely live my whole life, but perhaps this is the general opinion of all newlyweds;)
I believed that love would not go anywhere, and I was in ninth heaven; I did not want to notice obvious problems at all, but, unfortunately, they were always there. Despite the fact that my husband is a very interesting and versatile person who seems to have his own “correct” opinion on any subject, he is used to imposing it on everyone and everything sometimes, although who am I kidding, always in a rude, uncompromising form. At the same time, he cannot listen to the opinions of others at all. We live in my apartment with my mother, she works, pays our joint bills, cooks, but her husband is permanently dissatisfied with her, is constantly rude to her, comes up with nicknames, and does not respect her. He is often not in the mood, he shows his dissatisfaction from the very morning, and by the evening the negativity only grows. I tried to treat this with understanding, since he is seriously ill and experiences constant pain, which, naturally, cannot but affect him. Accordingly, he always had problems with work; it would be better to say that he did not work at all until recently. While I was working, we didn’t feel any particular need, but when my son was born and I was forced to stay at home with the child, the situation became completely unbearable. He himself cannot sit with his son, he immediately feels sick, has a headache, has high blood pressure, etc. etc., he can only surf the Internet, listen to music, I spin like a squirrel in a wheel, trying not to show others that stress and constant lack of sleep are eating me up from the inside. From this pain I scream at him, which may have been the reason for his employment, in the end, but now that I see that he at least works, does something, I’m not sure I want to be with him anyway live. This is not his first marriage, he has a daughter, whom he often visits, and she also comes to visit us. When I try to find an excuse for his illnesses, wanting to save the marriage at least for a child, they tell me that he had enough strength to produce two children, which means that not everything is as bad as he tries to imagine. He behaves like a pig with me: he lets me know that I’m fat, but at the same time forbids me to take care of myself the way I would like. Despite the fact that he doesn’t lift a finger to sit with his son, he is 1.5 years old, when he sees that his son has at least some spot or he has stumbled somewhere, my husband begins to scold and blame me , as if something terrible and irreparable had happened. This whole situation has a bad effect on the boy, he hardly speaks, I am afraid that this will have a detrimental effect on him and cause any deviations in the future.
Please advise me at least something on how to live in general. My husband is against my direct contact with a psychologist, he says that the money should be spent on the child, and I am afraid of another scandal.

Galina, Moscow, 27 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello, Galina.

Your appeal is literally imbued with the ideas of self-sacrifice and suffering. You endure the insults caused by your husband, tolerate his disrespect and “swine” attitude, find excuses for him when you notice that he does not want to communicate with his son, and at the same time you inadvertently forget that he has the strength to communicate with his daughter; you are trying to play for those around you, plunging deeper and deeper into your own hopelessness and fatigue, you are going to sacrifice your life to the child so that he has the illusion of a whole family. And I want to ask one question: Why? Why are you doing all this? What goals do you pursue by constantly playing other people's roles? After all, you understand that your situation has different solutions. But you stubbornly ignore all other options except suffering. You convince yourself that your husband does not allow you to get in shape. Although it is not clear how he can interfere with you, unless through physical violence. You are tired, but instead of resting, you plunge even deeper into problems. You avoid direct responsibility for what is happening in your life, you are afraid of the child’s possible reproaches in the future, but you don’t think that they are possible in a complete family, or rather in the cohabitation of two different people who feel bad together. You feel bad with your husband, but you are looking for excuses for him. What makes you pretend that everything is fine with you, instead of telling those around you how it really is and getting at least friendly support? If you need help, then try to at least find answers to the questions asked above. They can become the basis for possible positive changes in your life. Good luck!

Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.

When we are hungry, we head to the kitchen and cook something. As a last resort, we go to a cafe, store or on a visit, that is, we solve this problem. We don’t sit on the sofa, don’t cry, don’t ask everyone in a row: “Why isn’t life working out?”, don’t fall into and apathy. Obviously, if, feeling hungry, we go for a walk or go to bed, then we will not solve the problem, but will only aggravate it. Therefore, if your life is not going at all the way you want, it means that you are doing something wrong. You want one thing, but do another, hoping for results. That is, as in the example - go to bed hungry in the hope that you will wake up full.

Usually such a discrepancy between “desire and action” is clearly visible from the outside, in other people, but is very poorly noticeable in one’s own life. But in order to change your life, you need to learn to analyze your desires, actions and their relationship. I will give as an example the most common discrepancies between desired and actual, which I observed in my life and the lives of people I know; perhaps you will recognize yourself here.

Desires - actions:

1. People want to start a family, but they disappear all the time at work. This is about my friend. She is already about 30 years old, she dreams of a family, children and spends time working two jobs. Works at a frantic pace from 8 am to 8 pm, closed on Sundays. But in the evenings she only has enough strength to crawl home and lie down on the sofa, half dead. When I asked why she was exhausting herself so much, she replied that she needed to provide for herself, you never know what would happen - but there was no money. Not only does she have neither the energy nor the time for a relationship, but she also has a negative program that something bad could happen in her life. At the same time, she suffers greatly that she is still alone. Do you think she will start a family soon?
2. People want to earn good money and work for the minimum wage. This is about my godmother. She dreams of visiting abroad, going to yoga and visiting beauty salons, and has enough money for food and rent. All my suggestions about how she can make money are rejected by rational, in her opinion, arguments why she won’t succeed, although the only obstacle is a lack of self-confidence. At the same time, she suffers greatly due to the fact that she cannot afford everything she wants and sincerely does not understand why life does not work out.
3. Girls want a serious relationship, but they go to bed with a guy at the very beginning of the relationship. This is about my former colleague. She was already so tired of short-term relationships, the constant change of partners, their promises to call and her endless expectations. She wants a real, long-term, serious relationship, but continues to behave with the opposite sex the same way as before. That is, she jumps into bed with the guy she likes on one of the first dates. This is her way to interest a man and tie him to her. But if this line of behavior doesn’t work, maybe it’s worth changing it?
4. People dream of one profession, but go to study for another. It's about me. From my youth I knew that I wanted to become a psychologist. But after listening to numerous advice from my relatives that this is not serious at all and you won’t be able to support yourself with this, I went to study to become a builder. As a result, 5 years of study at a faculty that was completely uninteresting to me and 3 years of work I hated. Then I finally took my life into my hands, retrained as a psychologist and now I’m doing what I love, but so many people don’t do this! So they work all their lives in the specialty that they either chose themselves, not knowing that they won’t like it, or they followed the recommendations of their parents. And they dream of another profession. How can people be happy if they are not doing what they like?
5. Women want to see a strong man next to them, but they themselves do everything for him and instead of him. This is about my mom. She always dreamed of being a weak and fragile woman, of feeling a strong man's shoulder next to her. Maybe this would have happened, but she took the reins of the family into her own hands and made all the decisions herself, without letting her husband even get a word in. At the same time, she suffered greatly that she was next to her. Unfortunately, this led to a divorce and now my father is the head of another family, a man you can rely on.

The heroes of the situations I described really do not understand why life does not work out, they do not see the discrepancy between desire and their actions. Therefore, if you, my dear readers, are asking the same question, analyze what you are doing to make your wish come true. Maybe you need to change tactics if the old one does not lead to the expected results?

With love, Yulia Kravchenko

If you have any questions while reading the article, you can ask me. I will be happy to answer you!

Question: “I can’t manage my personal life: I have no wife, no girlfriend, I’ve never even met a girl. At one time I went to church every Sunday, but nothing has changed.”

- This question is often asked by both men and women; as a rule, the point here is some kind of misunderstanding. Marriage is a good thing, but not the main thing. It's good to be able to play the violin, although most people don't know how to do it. It’s good to open a business and earn a lot. But all these are auxiliary works, and our true work is our Christian life and Christian deed.
Yes, the majority get married, but what a large number of marriages die, becoming victims of divorce, a terrible life catastrophe. Why is this the case now, why are there so many victims? Marriage these days is not so fruitful, therefore, if there are no circumstances that lead a person to marriage, then why have such zeal for it?
If we open the Gospel or other Christian sources, they talk about the superiority of celibacy over marriage. Not in the sense that marriage is completely denied, but if you imagine two peaks that a person can climb, celibacy will be higher, but not everyone can accommodate this. The Apostle Paul says that he would like everyone to be like him, that is, celibate, but this is not given to everyone, so get married and have children. Celibacy has certain benefits, but it is not for everyone.
Today, a woman who has not entered into marriage does not have any of the social, civil, or economic difficulties that she might have had in the past. Let us remember the Acts of the Apostles or the Epistles of the Apostle Paul; the question of widows is constantly raised in them - How to deal with them? Because in former times, a widow with children was doomed to death unless her husband left her a rich inheritance. Otherwise, a woman who lost her husband was literally left without a breadwinner; then there were no pensions or benefits - lie down and die! And therefore the Church takes upon itself the care of these women. If not the Church, then no one else.
Nowadays, regardless of whether a woman is married or not, she may well be socially and economically secure. She is able to work, raise her children or adopted ones. Undoubtedly, these are achievements of the modern level of economy.
There are some opinions that a woman thus loses her place. But, if a woman cannot get married in any way, she can absolutely calmly be a Christian, a citizen of her country, a mother, without any damage to herself. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but special searches for a husband or wife do not lead to a positive result. If a person is obsessed with this idea, he will constantly think that he has found someone, and this in turn leads to sin or to a dysfunctional marriage that will bring suffering and will be dissolved as a result.

If a person does not strive for either marriage or monasticism, is this sinful?

Monasticism, like marriage, has one advantage - both are stable states. A person is determined by his choice, and all external factors can only worry him emotionally, but in general his life will go in a stable way.
If a person is not married and is not a monk, then he is deprived of this advantage. This happens, but these are just life difficulties, and a person must be ready to overcome them. This is the only drawback in this case. Such people can be pious Christians, excellent citizens, hard workers, and talented. Quite often this happens to women who are left without a husband, but with children. Often a woman thinks: - Should she get married? But the children already have a mother, so be a mother, be a Christian, the leader of your small Church, which consists of your children and you. If, of course, there is some special opportunity without any fuss on your part, then it is possible. After all, it often happens that a person who wants to marry a woman cannot find commonality with her children. As an attentive mother, a woman should consider this, because such a person cannot be a member of her family if he does not enter into good, meaningful communication with her children.

Nadezhda, Moscow

Why can't I have a normal family life?

Hello. I have this problem. In 2011, my husband and I got married. Everything seemed to go well at first, we were slowly settling in. Three or four months later they decided to get married. And then everything went wrong for me. First, my ring rolled off from the priest, then my wedding candle began to fall constantly, which soon broke in half. Then, at work, I received a very serious injury - a fracture, which the doctors could not recognize for a long, long time; at the same time, I became very swollen, beyond recognition. We had to live separately with these problems for a long time. Finally, having recovered a little, I decided to go to Moscow to earn extra money, where I am to this day. By the way, here in Moscow I have returned to normal. But for some reason, when I come on vacation and meet my husband, I feel like I’m feeling bad again. The last time I thought I was going to lose consciousness. I'm already afraid to return to family life. Maybe this is not my person? But you can’t get debunked. Am I going to have to suffer like this for the rest of my life? Help me please. I can't do it anymore. I want a normal family.

Hello. You described a lot of different events, among which there is something for you to show sympathy for - your severe injury (fracture). All other “events,” in my opinion, should not cause so much attention on your part. I mean a ring, a candle, etc. I don’t think that the fault of your “adventures” is your wedding with your husband, as you present it in the letter. Yes, sometimes you can read examples in patristic literature that describe an attack on a person’s soul with the aim of confusing it, especially when the person is clearly going to God. A wedding is a blessing from God. It cannot be ruled out that your emotional embarrassment was not tolerated, but the likelihood of this, based on the situation you describe, is negligible, in my opinion. Therefore, you should not pay attention to all those events that have already been mentioned. It's worth thinking about something else.

Your family should occupy your most attention right now. Or rather, that it does not exist as such. And, in my opinion, you shouldn’t come up with non-existent reasons. You seem to be simply very burdened by family life; you are more satisfied with complete “freedom”. And the reason for your “distress” is not that your husband is “not your man,” but that you were not ready for family life, you don’t want a family, you are burdened by your relationship with your husband. You did not become a wife, you did not understand and did not accept the fact that you are now a WIFE, you have a HUSBAND, you have a family. You come to your husband, and thereby your comfort zone is immediately violated. It’s good for you alone in Moscow, that’s why it’s so bad in the “family”. Look how many years you have been married, but the family as such has not yet developed. You didn't write whether you have children, but I assume not.

Answer yourself the question: why did you get married? The answer to it will clarify a lot and put it in its place. If you want, as you write, “a normal family,” create one. A normal family will not work out at a distance and despite the fact that you are always expecting that you will feel bad now, that something will happen to you now. Don't make anything up, just be honest, friendly and open with your family. A family must be “built” on the basis of love, respect, and care for each other. Switch your attention from yourself to your husband, to your relationship with him. You haven't written anything about this at all. Too much attention to myself in how I feel, good or bad. And you ask yourself: what kind of wife am I? Is my husband happy with me?

Well, and, of course, pray, turn to the Savior, the Mother of God, and the holy saints of God for help. It wouldn’t hurt to go talk to your spiritual father.