Lyudmila Petranovskaya if it’s difficult to scan with a child. “If it’s difficult with a child” Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Where is affection stored?

Being a modern parent is not easy. It’s not even a matter of “extortionate prices” for many goods, but rather the peculiarities of upbringing and its methods. Over the past few decades, they have accumulated no less than options for quickly spending money. Today's books on education amaze the imagination with the variety of titles. “No to Bad Parenting”, “Parenting Survival Guide”, “If Your Child Is Driving You Crazy” and so on, but “If Your Child Is Difficult” is not like that. All parents want to be responsible and many read these books. Armed with an arsenal of techniques and approaches. And then they try to raise their child, who will most likely “respond” to one of the incredibly advanced education systems, otherwise, why are they needed at all?

But, most often, a miracle does not happen. Children, despite the solid arsenal of their parents in the field of pedagogy, continue to destroy furniture, break toys, hang out at the computer, and paint the walls.

The main message that Lyudmila Petranovskaya put in her book “If it’s difficult with a child” is as follows: put away your bandoleer and machine gun. They still don't work. If they had acted, ordinary quiet words would have been enough, and heavy artillery would not have been needed.

Let the child be himself, says Lyudmila Petranovskaya. If in the last five years they have not yet killed each other in a fight, then they are not completely stupid. If a child has been sitting at the computer for several years, then let him sit for another month, nothing will happen to him. Rest. Don’t try to seem more responsible to others than you are, exposing your child to methods invented by someone unknown. Don't force him to read, or not to read, simply because someone said it was right. Children still most often do the same things as their parents, that’s how people are made.

“If it’s difficult with a child” is a book specifically for parents who have children, so to speak, “with behavioral characteristics.” Not like everyone else. And we understand perfectly well that exactly 100 percent of parents will rush to read it, because all of them have children with behavioral characteristics and all of them are not like everyone else. Which is completely normal.

And you should definitely read the book “If it’s difficult with a child” in order to find a common language with him, to help in many life situations, not to lose patience, but, on the contrary, to maintain mutual understanding. And Lyudmila Petranovskaya will also tell you how to change your child’s behavior that doesn’t suit you. Point by point and with real live examples.

On our literary website you can download the book “If it’s difficult with a child” by Lyudmila Petranovskaya for free in formats suitable for different devices - epub, fb2, txt, rtf. Do you like to read books and always keep up with new releases? We have a large selection of books of various genres: classics, modern fiction, psychological literature and children's publications. In addition, we offer interesting and educational articles for aspiring writers and all those who want to learn how to write beautifully. Each of our visitors will be able to find something useful and exciting for themselves.

All parents want to be the best, give their child a good upbringing and raise a conscious, full-fledged person. But it happens that misunderstandings and conflicts arise between a child and a parent. The book “If it’s difficult with a child” by Lyudmila Petranovskaya will help you avoid such situations.

A family psychologist will tell you how to avoid creating a barrier between children and parents. Indeed, often even one thoughtless word or action towards a child can greatly affect him. And if a child has become distant, then regaining his trust can be very difficult, sometimes impossible. This leads to detachment, and sometimes anger and aggression towards parents. Such children tend to trust strangers and may fall under bad influence. It will be much better and more comfortable to maintain trusting relationships from a very young age.

The book examines the main problems that lead to difficulties. Often, parents themselves complicate everything, making mountains out of molehills. And sometimes it’s worth seriously thinking about whether it’s worth doing one way or another. After reading the book, moms and dads may have to reconsider their educational methods. The book will help you understand your child’s actions and learn to speak his language. After all, sometimes it is difficult for adults to understand what the world looks like in the eyes of a child. What seems like a small thing to parents can be of great importance to children. And sometimes a harsh word or a ban can affect a child’s self-esteem and future.

The author of the book believes that it is important to treat children as equals and take their opinions and values into account. The psychologist examines the main educational methods and explains which of them are effective and which should be abandoned. The book will help all parents, because with its help you can raise children of any age. It will help you avoid many problems in parenting and achieve good relationships with children.

On our website you can download the book “If it’s difficult with a child” by Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya for free and without registration in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format, read the book online or buy the book in the online store.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya

If it's difficult with a child

“What kind of children, good God, there is no authority over them”

Life as a modern parent is not easy. Just look at the titles of books for parents: “If your child is driving you crazy”, “No to bad behavior”, “How we create problems for our children”, “Survival Guide for Parents” and the like, I only looked through one shelf .

We read, but what should we do? We are responsible parents. We want to raise our children right. This book, and another. And two dozen more. And the online community. And five more. And to a psychologist: tell me, advise. And to the psychologist with the child: what’s wrong with him? The parent reads, remembers, understands. How to actively listen, how to spank correctly (with love in the heart), eight hugs a day, standing in the corner according to the formula n + 1, where n is the child’s age. Urgently send him to kindergarten. Urgently pick up from kindergarten. Force reading. Do not force anyone to read under any circumstances. Praise correctly (samples included). Do not praise at all, this is an assessment, but you need to do it without assessments. Method of education in Japanese, French, Papuan. This is what conscious parents do, this is what natural parents do, and this is what advanced parents do.

Very soon the parent finds himself armed with approaches, ideas and pedagogical techniques, like Neo at the end of the first Matrix. Remember, he so impressively opens his black leather coat, and there... It’s a little hard to walk, but it’s suitable for all occasions. You can shoot with both hands, doing a somersault in the process. Is it strange that you look so tired? How's the baby? All the same? It means we need to expand our arsenal. Look for that “magic word”. He has a button somewhere. Have you tried this?

Dear Parents. Let's stop for a minute. Well, superheroes also have short moments of rest. Let's put the bazooka aside. Let's remove the carabiner from the shoulder. Let's unfasten the belt.

Children did not obey, broke rules, fought, spoiled things, did not want to study, were lazy, lied, whined, ate too much sweets and were always rude to adults, as much as this world is worth.

Here, for example, is the outpouring of a parent from ancient, pre-ancient Egypt: “Children no longer obey their parents. Apparently, the end of the world is not very far away... These youth are corrupted to the core. Young people are malicious and negligent.” Do you feel a kindred spirit? We are not the first, we are not the last. Talk to any mom on the playground. Talk to the Queen of England. Talk to the most honored teacher. From any of them you can hear: “He behaves like this sometimes - I just don’t know what to do with him.”

Listen, but if you think about it, this is good. The problem is not new. A lot of smart people have also suffered with it. Experts argue among themselves. You yourself have already tried everything, but to no avail (otherwise why would you read this book)? It follows from this that there is nowhere to rush. It is not necessary to solve the problem immediately. Well, you don’t know what to do so that your child doesn’t do this again (or finally does it). You haven't known this for a long time. And if you don’t know for a while, nothing bad will happen, right? For so many years we’ve been collecting scattered things around the apartment - another three weeks or three months won’t make any difference to the weather? All school years the child is hysterical because of homework - he doesn’t want to do them. Well, even if they don’t want another quarter, it won’t be any worse. If your children have been fighting with each other since they learned to walk, but both are generally still alive and well, most likely, a dozen more fights won’t do much harm to them either. And if for the last year you have been fighting for him to turn off the computer, and to no avail, perhaps nothing terrible will happen if you temporarily stop fighting and he sits at it for some time?

Let's declare a moratorium, a truce, a ceasefire. Nothing will happen, no milk will escape. Exhale. Pour yourself some tea or coffee. Take a blanket if it's winter, or sit by the window if it's summer. Let everything go as it goes for now.

If the only thing was that you didn’t know some special right words, the right punishment or reward, the right “trick,” you would have long ago invented it yourself or found it somewhere. If you try and it doesn’t work out, then it’s time to stop trying. Take a couple of steps back. Think. Yes, just calm down. Pause the situation.

I suggest you go in this order.

First, let's look at our rich, but in some places already rusty and simply dangerous pedagogical arsenal. Let’s throw all these weapons that we’ve been carrying around on us (or rather, in ourselves) for years into a pile, and let’s take them apart and look at them. Some of this is too cruel, some of it simply doesn’t work, and some of it can explode in your hands. Maybe it’s time to throw out a lot of things long ago, and it will become easier.

Current page: 1 (book has 8 pages in total) [available reading passage: 2 pages]

Lyudmila Petranovskaya
If it's difficult with a child

“What kind of children, good God, there is no authority over them”

Dear Parents. Let's stop for a minute. Well, superheroes also have short moments of rest. Let's put the bazooka aside. Let's remove the carabiner from the shoulder. Let's unfasten the belt.

Children did not obey, broke rules, fought, spoiled things, did not want to study, were lazy, lied, whined, ate too much sweets and were always rude to adults, as much as this world is worth.

I suggest you go in this order.

The first half of the book is mainly about what hinders us in our relationship with our child, and what prevents him from behaving better. To do this, we need a conversation about how behavior, including the most terrible ones, and your relationship are connected. Because, as we will see, relationships are primary, and behavior is often only their consequence. Very often it turns out that it is some kind of discord in the relationship that makes the child behave not in the best way, and makes you irritated and despair. And vice versa, it is worth establishing a connection between you, returning warmth and reliability to the relationship - and magically, in itself, behavior improves.

And in the second part we will talk about behavior itself. What to do and how to change it if you are not satisfied with it. Point by point, step by step, in the best traditions, with examples and analysis of situations. We will definitely get to the question “What should we do so that he…” and even to the question “Where is his button”, where would we be without this. But by then, if you don't rush, give yourself time to think and feel, you will already know the answers yourself. You don't have to finish reading.

You shouldn’t immediately leaf through the book looking for “tricks”; I’m afraid nothing will come of it. You can successfully use a technique that has been subtracted once or twice, but if it remains just a technique, everything will soon return to the original state of affairs. Everything that is alive and strong always develops slowly, imperceptibly, like a tree grows: it seems that today is the same as it was yesterday, and tomorrow it will hardly change, but in a year - wow, how it has grown! You can, of course, cut down something that is already ready and stick it in the ground - it will be beautiful right away. But it will dry out.

There is no need to break yourself and remake yourself, “pick yourself up”, start a new life on Monday. This has never brought anyone any good. You live with your child, you raise him, you know him, you love him, he is nearby. In the most important thing everything already Fine. You'll figure out the rest, one way or another.

Shall we begin?

Part one Farewell to arms, or Make love, not war

It's amazing how often we talk about problems with children in terms of war: “How do we deal with this?”, “We fight all the time over lessons,” “I can't deal with him.” It’s like a child is an opponent in a fight and the question is who will defeat whom.

You can also hear around: “We need to be stricter with him. You spoiled him. No need to indulge. Look, he’ll get used to it and sit on his head. This must be stopped. This cannot be allowed." These are usually teachers. Here the child is a kind of saboteur, an insidious fifth column, who, if you give him any slack, will stage a coup and bring his parents to their knees.

Psychologists have a different approach: “Don’t say that - it’s a trauma for life. Don’t do this - you’ll grow up to be a neurasthenic, drug addict, loser.” A child here is like a minefield, one wrong step and everything is lost.

Don't you think all this is somehow strange? Who are we fighting with? And for what? And how did you get to this life? Look at your child. Even if he is grimy, harmful and a loser, even if he just threw a tantrum, lost his new mobile phone, was rude to you, even if he annoyed you so much that you are shaking. All the same, he is not an enemy, not a saboteur, and not a bomb. Child and child. In some places, if you rub, you can even find somewhere to kiss. Everything is somehow not completely planned, there would be no need to fight. But as?

Affection: Overbearing Caring

Everything that we will talk about further, one way or another, follows from one simple fact: a human baby is born very immature. This is our payment for upright posture (which means a narrow pelvis in women), on the one hand, and a large brain (which means a large head in a child) on the other.

It is from such prose, from almost engineering considerations that could be expressed in numbers and diagrams, that a large and complex story of the relationship between parent and child is born. Having been born very immature, a child needs an adult to be nearby for the first time of his life, and not just any kind, but one who cares. The one who will rush to the first call, who is ready to stay awake if the child cries, feed him, even if there is nothing special, giving the last, who is ready to protect him from predators, warm him with his body at night, step by step, gradually, teach get to know this world and prepare for independent life in it.

And every newborn, coming into the world, knows the rules of the game deep within himself. If you have an adult who cares, your own adult, you will live. If not, then no, sorry.

A relationship with an adult is not just a need for a child, it is a vital need, that is, a matter of life and death. He will never have a more important relationship in his life, no matter how much he later loves his chosen one or his own children, all this cannot be compared with the deep feeling that a small child experiences for a parent - for someone who literally holds his life is in his hands. Having barely been born, he is already looking for his mother’s eyes with his eyes, her breasts with his lips, reacting to her voice, recognizing him from everyone. Establishing and maintaining contact with an adult is the child’s main concern. Everything else is possible only when everything is in order with this contact. Then you can look around, play, study, climb anywhere, make contacts with others - provided that the relationship with the parent is in order. If not, all other goals go sideways, first - the main thing.

...

Have you ever seen a three-year-old child walking with his mother in the park? She sits on a bench and reads, he runs around, slides down a slide, makes Easter cakes, looks at the ants carrying a pine needle. But at some point he turned around - and his mother was not on the bench. She went somewhere for a minute. What's happening? The baby will stop playing immediately. He is no longer interested in swings or ants. He runs to the bench and looks around. Where's mom?

If she is found quickly, he will calm down and return to the game. If not right away, he will get scared, cry, and may run headlong, not knowing where. When his mother is found, he will not soon be able to tear himself away from her. He'll grab hold of you and won't want to let go. Maybe he’ll even ask to go home. He doesn't want to go out and play anymore. The most important thing - my mother, contact with her - was under threat, and immediately everything else was relegated to the background.

The deep emotional connection that exists between a child and “his” adult is called attachment. It is she who makes the mother hear any squeak of the newborn in her sleep, and guess from the tense voice of the teenager that he has quarreled with the girl. And it allows the child to sensitively catch the slightest changes in the parents’ mood, for example, to accurately determine when they are in a quarrel, even if outwardly everyone behaves as usual. It is attachment that allows a parent to quite easily deny themselves something for the sake of the child, to overcome fatigue and laziness when they need to help him. And it helps the child to make an effort, even if it is difficult and scary, to hear words of approval from the parent and see sincere delight in his eyes when the child took his first steps or received a university diploma. It is this connection that allows the baby to sleep sweetly in his mother’s arms, even if there is noise and crowding around, it is this connection that makes parental kisses able to relieve pain, grandmother’s pies the most delicious in the world, and any child the smartest and most beautiful in the world for his parents.

Attachment is a dance for two. In it, the adult protects and cares, and the child trusts and seeks help. Even as adults, when we are frightened, we shout: “Mom!” Even for our grown-up, mustachioed child, we worry if something is wrong with him. The bonds of affection are stronger than love, stronger than friendship - love and friendship sometimes die, come to naught. Attachment will always remain with us, even if we have a very difficult relationship with our parents or children, we will never be indifferent to them.

Much of the behavior of children is explained precisely by attachment or the threat of breaking attachment.

...

Here is the most common situation: you are expecting guests. Your child is also happy about the upcoming holiday, he helps you set the table, carefully washes vegetables, lays out napkins, and blossoms from praise. This is the behavior of affection, he wants to be with you, wants to please you, to do a common thing.

There are guests on the doorstep - and the child suddenly becomes embarrassed, hides behind you, it takes you a lot of effort to persuade him to come out and say hello. This is the behavior of attachment, he is careful with strangers, not “his own,” adults and seeks protection from the parent.

You are sitting at the table, engrossed in an interesting conversation, and the child seems to have broken free: he makes noise, runs around, and tugs at you. This is attachment behavior: he feels anxious about someone else getting your attention and wants your attention as reassurance that your relationship is okay.

You lose your patience, get angry with him and throw him out of the room. He cries loudly, hits the door, and becomes hysterical. This is the behavior of attachment: you let him know that you can cut off the connection with him, moreover, you symbolically interrupted it by closing the door, he protests with all his might, trying to restore the connection.

You feel sorry for him, you go to him, hug him, take him to wash. He sobs for a while, then promises that he will behave, and you allow him to stay. He soon calms down, curled up in your lap, and really doesn’t play pranks anymore. This is attachment behavior - the connection has been restored, the tension has subsided, fear has been released, the child is exhausted, and it is best to restore strength next to the parent.

You may have never thought about it this way. Perhaps it seemed to you, or people around you told you, that this is all happening because the child is spoiled, or ill-mannered, or mischievous, or overexcited. In fact, everything is simpler and more serious. He simply desperately needs a connection with you. That's all. If you understand this and are able to see how the state of your relationship affects the state and behavior of the child, many cases of “bad” behavior will appear in a completely different light.

Attachment is not very subject to logic, objective facts, or the arguments of reason. She is irrational, imbued with strong feelings, and in a child they are especially strong. Let's try to take a closer look at how this works.

Where is affection stored?

We - and children too - have a brain (even if it sometimes seems to us that we don’t). To put it very simply, it is structured like a nesting doll, that is, inside the external brain there is also an internal brain hidden. The outer, or cortical, brain is the same “convolutions”, “gray matter” - what we usually call the “brains” itself, in the sense of “the ability to think.” When we say about someone: “What a brain you have!” or we scold: “Are you completely without brains?” – we mean exactly this, the external brain. Words are stored there - both smart and indecent, knowledge and skills, the ability to judge, poetic and visual images, faith and values are stored there - in a word, everything that makes us a reasonable person.

Under this upper, “reasonable” brain there is an internal brain, the limbic system, sometimes also called the emotional brain. Ours is approximately the same as that of other mammals who do not know either the multiplication table or verb conjugation. But they know that they want to live, reproduce, not experience pain, not be eaten by a predator, and protect their young. This brain is responsible for feelings, for relationships; fear, joy, melancholy, love, anger, bliss - a lot of things are born and stored there. It is this inner brain that makes the mother melt happily while holding the child in her arms, and the child smile at the mother; in case of danger, it is he who “slows down” time for us and gives us strength, it is thanks to him that we enjoy hugs and shed tears when meeting and parting. . The inner brain is responsible for our vital, that is, vital needs - security, basic needs (hunger, thirst, etc.), attraction to the opposite sex, attachment. It also regulates immunity, blood pressure, hormone releases and is generally responsible for the connection between the psyche and the body.

The relationship between the outer and inner brain is complex. On the one hand, they are closely related. In general, if everything is more or less successful, the two brains live in harmony, “hear” each other and act in concert. Our thoughts influence our feelings: we can fall into a gloomy mood when we hear a gloomy story on the TV news, or we can be happy when we remember that New Year is coming. And vice versa: when your soul is heavy, everything around you seems to confirm the thesis “life is terrible, everyone around you is an idiot,” and when you are in love and happy, some gloomy Schopenhauer seems like an idiot. But the ability of the external brain to influence the internal one is limited. If we are scared, even in a situation where objectively there is nothing special to be afraid of, for example at night in a cemetery, we cannot force ourselves to stop being afraid. We cannot simply calmly analyze the situation, decide that there is nothing dangerous, and calm down. It doesn't work that way.

If the limbic system evaluates a situation as alarming, threatening life or vital relationships, it sounds an alarm, an emotional “siren”. The signal rings through the nerves: “Combat alert! All hands on deck! Urgently take measures to eliminate the threat!” The body gets involved: the pulse quickens, adrenaline is released into the blood, we freeze in horror - so as not to be noticed, or we scream loudly - to be saved, or we quickly run away - so as not to catch up, or we rush into a fight - to defeat the danger.

Moreover, the objectivity of the threat is a secondary matter here. If a child is afraid of Baba Yaga under the bed, it doesn’t help to simply explain to him that there is no one there, and shining a flashlight doesn’t help either. For his external brain, of course, everything is clear: under the bed is empty. And his emotional brain is scared, and that’s all. It’s not scary only when mom is nearby.

When a child clings to you with tears, seeing you off to work, it doesn’t help to simply tell him that “mom will come soon”, that “all adults must work” and other smart things. Mom is leaving right now, and it's terrible because he wants to be with his mom forever. And the only thing that helps is to sit with him in an embrace, without twitching and without looking at the clock, and let him wear his robe for now - for the limbic brain, a robe with the smell of mom is, of course, not mom, but, as it were, a part of her, and you can live.

For the same reason, your child is sure that his dad is the strongest, and it doesn’t matter that his dad is a “nerd” and has never lifted weights or fought. He, the child, his limbic system, next to his dad, is protected and not afraid. Just because it's his dad, his own. And with another, someone else’s dad, it won’t be as protected, even if he’s a world champion in all types of martial arts at once. So who is the strongest?

The brain where attachment is stored comes from feelings, not facts. Actually, attachment as a phenomenon was discovered precisely because of this circumstance.

...

During the Second World War, London was heavily bombed and life for children in the city was not fun - sometimes they had to sit all day long in damp, dim air-raid shelters, without taking a walk or breathing air. And the food was very scarce, not for growing organisms. And the decision was made to take the children to the village. It’s safe there, grass, air, fresh milk, local residents will help look after the children, and let parents in London calmly work for the front.

They did so, and the children came to beautiful English villages, to green meadows, good food and the care of kind local housewives, ready to caress, warm and entertain the poor things. The children were accompanied by teachers, psychologists, and doctors. They were well accommodated, they had clothes and toys. But something strange started to happen. The children, especially the little ones, who in London were pale and thin, but cheerful and quite healthy, felt clearly unwell here. They didn’t want to play, they ate poorly, they were sick in every possible way, some began to pee, others stopped talking. They missed their parents, they felt bad and scared not there, in London, under bombs and starving, but next to their mother, but here, in a wonderful pastoral, but without their mother.

It was then that psychologists, among whom was John Bowlby, drew attention to this most important property of attachment - it is irrational. The child is calm from the presence of his adult on his own, even if bombs are falling around him. And vice versa: he cannot be calm and happy, which means he cannot grow and develop well if his adult is not nearby. Or when the relationship with him is at risk.

“I tell him, I tell him...”

By understanding the child’s reaction to a threat to his connection with “his” adult, as well as the relationship between the external, rational, and internal, emotional brain, one can, for example, understand why explanations, notations and “edifying conversations” in general do not work.

At almost any first meeting between a psychologist and a parent, half the time is wasted. For what? For a detailed retelling by the parent of all those correct words, smart thoughts and undeniable arguments that he gives to his child.

...

“I tell him: it’s you who needs study, not me. When you grow up, you want a normal job and a salary. But there is no knowledge. You will bite your elbows, and time is lost. I spent all my time on VKontakte. You’ll regret it later.”

“I tell her: things cost money. They don't just fall from the sky. This is my work, the work of the people who made them. How can you treat them like this? If it gets dirty, well, wash it. Why put it under the bed? When you leave school, double check that you have taken everything - scarf, hat, change. You won't get enough. I don’t steal, I buy everything new every week.”.

“I always tell him: learn to admit guilt and take responsibility. Like a man, not like a coward. You acted up - answer. Why fuss and lie? Aren't you ashamed yourself? I could have messed up, but you’re not there to answer?”

“I tell them: you yourself won’t find anything later. You want to play, but everything is mixed up, scattered, it’s unclear where to look for the details. Well, lay it out carefully, there are boxes, containers, whatever you want, you have time - just get them out. It will be better for ourselves, and the mood is different when there is order. My tools are in order in the garage, otherwise how can I work?”

A person who speaks the “correct” text is always a little like a black grouse on a leash: he is leering to himself, and does not hear anything or anyone around him. He puts himself into a trance and nods to himself. By the way, if you don’t interrupt, the entire hour of consultation can pass. And only five minutes before the end the person realizes: what to do? That's why I always interrupt. “I’m sure,” I say, “that you said everything correctly and wonderfully, let’s not waste time retelling it.” Because I really am sure. Well, how many parents are there who would tell their children: “Lie, baby, don’t be shy,” or “Skip school, and why not,” or “Throw things anywhere, don’t mind”? They probably happen, but you don’t see them often.

Surely the parent is saying everything correctly. But if it worked, he wouldn't be sitting here, right? Once he came, it means he’s said all this to the child a thousand times, but to no avail. That's why?

We already know that in a situation of stress, the internal brain turns on an alarm signal. Like an ambulance with a siren. The higher the stress, the louder the signal. Have you ever tried to solve equations, edit text, or think about something high a meter away from a screaming ambulance siren? Is it going badly? What if the siren screams right in your head, in your inner brain? In this case, the external brain simply “blows away”, it loses its ability to work, and we are unable to think clearly. By the way, the nature of stress can be anything: severe fright, grief, intense love, and an unexpected win in the lottery do not add to our rationality. As psychologists say, “affect inhibits intelligence.”

Now let's get back to our “I tell him.” Here's a child. He did something wrong. He understands that his parent is unhappy with him. For a child, a parent’s dissatisfaction is always a serious stress, even if it seems that “everything is a mess for him.” Attachment requires him to please his adult; this is a guarantee of his help and protection. If an adult is dissatisfied, the child, the natural, irrational part of his psyche, is always afraid: what if he leaves, abandons him, will no longer be mine? Then I was gone. This happens unconsciously; with the external, rational brain, the child can be quite sure that you will not leave him, that it does not happen that children fall out of love because of a bad grade or a lost hat. But the inner brain is not interested in all these reasonable considerations. The parent is clearly angry, his voice, face, posture express anger, hostility, disappointment - everything, a threat to attachment is detected, an internal detector is triggered in the limbic system, the siren turns on. The more powerful it is, the more angry the adult is, the stronger and more often he was angry before. The siren turns on - the external brain “freezes”.

That's it, from now on all your smart, reasonable arguments and calls are empty hot air. You turn to the upper brain - well, he’s away. "The subscriber is temporarily unavailable." You notice this and get even angrier: “Are you even listening to me or not? Am I talking to the wall? What are you thinking about? He doesn’t think about anything, he just can’t.

...

Do you remember how you felt when your parents scolded you? Children describe this in different ways: “I feel like I’m being torn into pieces,” “I want to disappear,” “I feel so bad that I even feel sick,” “I immediately cry, and dad gets angry for it.” These, as you understand, are already those children who are able to express their feelings in words, that is, at least five years old. We don’t know exactly how a one-year-old feels. One can only imagine.

Some parents pride themselves on not yelling. This is good, of course. But you can drive a child into stress without decibels. You can scare someone in a very quiet and even voice - there are masters. You can express rejection with your face - as one little boy said: “When my mother is angry, she pushes her eyes.” You can literally say that you don’t need such a bad boy. You can complain that you have no strength and no health and all this will drive you into a coffin. And what could be worse than the prospect that a parent will die, you will lose him - through your own fault? Finally, the child himself, realizing that he has again lost, forgotten, or failed to do, may experience acute shame, and shame is also an affect, and it, too, by the way, inhibits the intellect. So even if the child is standing as red as a lobster, with his head down and swallowing tears, do not flatter yourself. This does not mean that he “understood everything” and “drew conclusions”; his external brain is just as “blown away” by severe stress, and today’s acute repentance may not at all lead to the fact that tomorrow his behavior will change.

The parent, feeling that his words are not being perceived, becomes even more angry. The stress of both becomes stronger, the ability to think even less. And so on until the tension breaks out in hysterics or one of the two jumps out of the room, slamming the door to interrupt the unbearably painful contact.

“He doesn’t have any stress, he just doesn’t care about everything I say,” some adults say. Could this be? Yes, sometimes. True, you have to try hard for this. If a child is regularly yelled at, criticized, moralized and shamed without missing a day, if he is constantly frightened and blackmailed, or better yet, beaten or locked in a closet, he will simply learn to defend himself. “Freezing off,” as teenagers say. Disconnect from feelings. And this means he will break off his connection with his parent. Refuses attachment. It’s painful and difficult, and children always try to the last minute not to do it. Usually, children, even in a very difficult situation, continue to suffer from mental pain, but do not completely abandon attachment. But some people just have to, the stress is too great and constant.

If attachment is “frostbitten”, the parent is no longer protection or support for the child. But his conviction is no longer particularly frightening. The parent just has to endure it until you can’t go anywhere. Be silent, pretend that you are listening. Or even say the right words in response - why not, because there are no strong feelings, the upper brain is normal, I don’t want to manipulate.

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Perhaps you have met adults in your life with “frostbitten” attachment in childhood. They are pointedly cynical, love to demonstrate that “nothing is sacred” to them, are sometimes cruel and love to flaunt it. In relationships, they tend to manipulate, “calculate” people’s reactions, do not know how to sympathize, and despise emotional sensitivity and vulnerability. They usually do not enter into long-term deep relationships and rarely create families. At the same time, they consider their way of life to be correct, and the values of family, love, and care as “harmful sentimental nonsense”; they often have theories ready that all this is implanted for the purpose of profit or to keep people in subjection. They categorically do not admit that they are unhappy and do not ask for help. They despise people in helping professions, philanthropists, volunteers, parents of many children and everyone who is in one way or another associated with caring for their neighbor.

I don’t think that any parent in their right mind and sober memory would want such a future for their child.

In a milder version, the child does not completely break the internal connection with the parent, but learns to ignore the screams (or notations). That is, everything happens as in the parable about the shepherdess and the wolves, which we so love to remind children edifyingly, but it would be worthwhile to understand it ourselves first. If words of disapproval and threats from a parent are constantly rained down on a child, because of any trifle, his limbic system simply gets tired of turning on the alarm, it responds: “Well, wolves, wolves, a hundred times already wolves, I’m tired of it. And I won’t think of reacting.”

What does it mean? It’s very simple: the parent has lost such a channel of communication with the child as words. He let his child down so many times over trifles that now, even if he wanted to warn the child about a real threat, talk to him about serious prohibitions, everything would fall on deaf ears. "Wolves, wolves." Meli Emelya, your week. In economic terms, there was a devaluation of parent words, they turned into empty wrappers without meaning. Now, in order for the child to begin to perceive what the parent says again, the parent will have to back up his words with something more serious. Punishment, threats, blackmail.

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“What kind of children, good God, there is no authority over them”

Dear Parents. Let's stop for a minute. Well, superheroes also have short moments of rest. Let's put the bazooka aside. Let's remove the carabiner from the shoulder. Let's unfasten the belt.

Children did not obey, broke rules, fought, spoiled things, did not want to study, were lazy, lied, whined, ate too much sweets and were always rude to adults, as much as this world is worth.

I suggest you go in this order.

Part one

Farewell to arms, or Make love, not war